What you're about to see is real. The images contained within these pages were actually printed in several different gaming magazines in the early 1990's. Though it may be difficult to believe that the atrocities contained within were actually conceptualized, produced, and distributed to the world's unsuspecting populace, I can only claim that what I am documenting here is based on the purest of horrible, horrible truth. If you have any additions or comments for this compendium, or if you wish to curse me for permanently scarring you or your children with the contents within, please email me.
Please keep in mind that, though the content in these pages may indicate otherwise, I'm actually a pretty big fan of the TurboDuo, or PC Engine, or whatever you want to call it. At times, it may seem that much of this section was written from the perspective of an insane Sega fanboy who is pissed off at a shitty advertising campaign made several years ago by a competing company. For the most part, that is an accurate description. However, I do hold much respect for the PC Engine and its games, many of which are among the best games ever made. I just wish that those games had made it out of Japan. As you'll no doubt notice, since I repeatedly say so in the following pages, I primarily blame the TG-16's failure on the system's reliance on bad US-made games (Impossimole, Darkwing Duck), when several potential classics made in Japan (Dracula X, Snatcher) went untranslated. In short, I'm just trying to say that Johnny Turbo isn't the only stupid decision that killed the TurboDuo. Though he certainly didn't help things.
And now, it's showtime.
Special note to EGM readers: Uh...hi! I apologize in advance for the evil that you're about to be exposed to here, but if you don't totally hate me after reading through Johnny Turbo's sad, sad tale, you might want to check out the rest of my site. In particular, this SegaCD-related article can be considered a companion piece to Johnny Turbo, if you're interested in that sort of thing. If you want to stay informed of future updates to Johnny Turbo and my other articles (and occasionally read about my adventures with boxed wine as an added bonus!), you can stalk my stupid diary journal thing, or add it to your friends list, if you're hip to the idiot webjournal jive. So yeah. Read on, good magazine buyers of America, and again, I'm so, so sorry.
The Johnny Turbo Chronicles
Issue 1 - Episode 43: The Master Plan!
Issue 2 - Episode 44: Let 'em Dangle!!
Issue 3 - Episode 45: Sleepwalker
The Search for Johnny Turbo
Part 1 - The Discovery
Part 2 - The Truth
Part 3 - The Legend Lives On
A brief introduction, and an attempt at explaining Mr. Turbo's existence
Okay, pretend that you're the guy who made the TurboGrafx-16. Screw that bullshit about a system being made and marketed by hundreds of people - YOU are the guy who does everything. So, it's the 90's. There is indeed time for Klax, and your otherwise completely underpowered and outclassed video game system has a really kickass conversion of that particular game. Unfortunately, your system is also being crushed underfoot by the monumental battle that is occurring between two far superior systems, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System and the Sega Genesis. Your attempts over the last few years to gain the love and admiration of video game players worldwide has, so far, failed on every level. "Turbo-what?" is the most common response you receive in the many surveys you conduct in the vain hopes of figuring out just what went wrong.
You think, was it our fault? Did we make a mistake in bringing out an 8-bit system right when 16-bit systems were about to emerge? Were our non-existent advertising campaigns effective at making people buy our system and games? Or maybe we should've, you know, made good games for our system that people actually wanted to play?
Nah, let's blame everything on Sega.
After all, they brought out the Genesis right around the same time our system debuted, most probably out of spite. They consistently outsold our system, not because of good games or clever, effective advertising campaigns - it's because they have enslaved the minds of the public through the use of unfair business practices and Nazi mind control.
And you know what? Those assholes are going to pay. Friendly competition my ass. Let's get dirty. Let's get amateurishly mean. Let's...let's get completely fucking ridiculous.
In essence, you've already given up. You decide that you can't win in the video game console biz. But you also decide that since you have nothing to lose (aside from lots of money, but hey), you might as well go down fighting. So, like a cornered animal, you go about on your most ambitious (read: only) advertising campaign ever.
So, you think, what does our company lack? Good games? Well, yeah. Competitively powerful hardware? That too. But what we're really missing is a mascot. Bonk, adorable freakish cavebaby he may be, just never quite cut it. We need something else. Something that'll grab the public's attention. Some..one! that will represent our company's last grasp at legitimacy. Someone...hmm...someone who will combine the attitude of Sonic with the fatness of Mario...
Yes. No, wait, scratch that - FUCK yes. Sega's going to regret ever making a pact with Satan in order to dominate the console market. Soon, they will feel the wrath of...hey, what should we call him?
Five seconds pass, after which an overly enthusiastic lackey of yours, frightened by the bloodshot rage in your eyes, shouts out the first name that comes to his mind: "JOHNNY TURBO! YOU KNOW, LIKE TURBODUO! AND HE'S NAMED JOHNNY!"
Fine, whatever. Someone get me a cheap artist and a writer or something - the rest of you can go pack up the stuff in your offices and do whatever you do when complete and total self-destruction is imminent. May Johnny Turbo save us all.
And of course, he didn't. He failed miserably, in fact. This is his story.
->On to Issue #1
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