Top row, left to right: The Missing Link, Most Fucked Up Barbershop Quartet in the World. Bottom row: Corey freaking Haim, grief-stricken Conan O'Brien impersonator, The Notorious DLC, that WHOOOAAAAOOO guy from Double Switch, and the vengeful ghost of Dana Plato.

They had finally done it.

After struggling against the mighty Nintendo for years and watching their Master System eventually lose the 8-bit console war, Sega had at last gained a foothold in the US console market with their new system, the 16-bit Genesis. Released in 1989, the Genesis caught on instantly with gamers, both because of its then-revolutionary detailed 16-bit graphics and because of its strong library of fun, polished games.

It only took them about three years to fuck it all up.

1992 saw the beginning of Sega's decline, which lasted for several console generations and culminated recently in their complete withdrawal from the hardware market. Sega now deals exclusively in software, making games for its former competitors' consoles, including Nintendo's Gamecube.

So how did this once major and respected industry player come to suffer such a shameful fate?


1992 was the year Sega released the Sega CD, an ill-fated add-on to the Sega Genesis that destroyed the lives of all who came in contact with it.

Now, there's been many, many bad video game consoles released over the years - the Atari Jaguar, the Virtual Boy, and of course the Neo Geo, to name a few - but most of them were quickly forgotten by the general public and became only slight blemishes on video gaming's history at worst. The Sega CD, however, left behind a legacy that was much more destructive.

I honestly believe that the Sega CD's games were so thoroughly, consistently terrible that they were single-handedly responsible for sending Sega into a years-long downward spiral that they never recovered from. All of Sega's current woes can be traced directly back to Sewer Shark, I'm convinced of it.

Sound far-fetched? I don't blame you for thinking so. You'll begin to see things my way once I'm done with you, though. I'm going to introduce you to some shit that you would have been much better off not knowing about. Once you know what it's like to be a disgruntled Sega CD owner, only then will you know true pain. The kind of pain that I will have to carry with me for the rest of my days.

Welcome to the next level, bitch.

Part I: Five Essential Sega CD Vocal Themes

#5 - Swingtime
#4 - Prime
#3 - Fahrenheit
#2 - ???
#1 - ???

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