I'm going to do this one a little bit different from the rest. Rather than lead things off with a halfassed review, I'm going to recreate Fahrenheit's innuendo-filled opening sequence through screenshots and transcribed dialogue. This will hopefully give you some idea of what the game is like, and clue you in as to why you'll want to avoid it like the 64-color plague. Before you continue reading, however, I must insist that you download this mp3 so that you can read and follow along, and confirm that I'm not just making this crazy shit up. Lines and phrases that are particularly suggestive of varied horribleness have been bolded, for your convenience.

(I know this idea sounds weird and maybe even kind of lazy on my part, but trust me, this'll be fun. It'll be just like reading along with those awesome old Disney picturebooks that had records bundled with them. You know, except the dialogue is voiced entirely by Canadians who sound like they want to have steamy fireman sex with each other. Anyway, enjoy!)

"Hey, I've been expecting you! Glad to have you aboard...be with you in a second."

"Everything you've heard aboot Station 13 is true. We've got the busiest company...in town."

(Several more lines of monologue follow, with highlights including when the chief assures you that "you're pretty good, for a rookie," and that "you'll fit right in...in time!" Then he walks into the next room and is enraged to find your fellow employees throwing around a baseball while on the job. Those fuckers!)

"Hey, ya lookin' for a new career?"

"He is!" *chortle*

(something unintelligible - presumably spoken in an ancient Canadian dialect)

"I'll take a piece of that action! Hey kid, you wanna get in on this? Oh soory, I almost forgot - everybody, this is our new rescue specialist."

"The catcher here - that's Stinkowski, he's our engineer."

"You can call me Stinky. Everybody else does."


"You'll find out why soon enough. Chavez speaks highly of you. I'm your hazardous material expert...

"I'll be your can man."

"McGuire, ventilation...

"I'll be inside with you."

"Hot stuff there, that's Washington. He's what you call your..."


"...that's where he gets that pitching arm."

(Note: I've listened to the sound file up there at the top of the page about a dozen times now in the course of writing this article, and that "forcible entry expert" thing made me laugh every single fucking time. Bravo, Sega. Bravo.)

"Nice mugshot in the paper, kid. But we got a lot of glory around here. Remember, your first time was lucky. Now that?"

"...that's doing your job."

"Okay, let's check your gear and I'll show you where to bunk."

"You better be ready to roll."

Really, I don't think I need to say anything more about this game.

It has a theme song, though, so I guess we should cover that before moving on.

I guess.

Download "Feel The Heat" Part 1 (Intro) - 0:53, 128kbps mp3 (829 KB)
Download "Feel The Heat" Part 2 (Credits) - 1:00, 128kbps mp3 (952 KB)

"Feel The Heat"

Sung by: Lou Nadeau

(Part 1)

Feel the heat
Of the fire
White-hot flames
Rising higher, higher, higher!

Feel the heat
Hearts on fire
Bearing high...
It's gotten higher, higher, higher!

Feel the heat
Of the fire
White-hot flames
Rising higher

(Part 2)

We need a hero on the street tonight
A fire-eater who will win the fight
A man of courage from the days of old
A man of wisdom can't be bought or sold

He's on the lookout for an S.O.S.
If you need him, he won't fail the test

Feel the heat
Of the fire
White-hot flames
Rising higher

Feel the heat
Hearts of fire
Bearing high...
It's gotten higher

First of all - seriously, now - what the hell is with the SegaCD and cock rock? It's like there must've been some quality control tester employed during the SegaCD era who took it upon himself to make sure that every game had a healthy dose of whiny softcore metal in it. I can just imagine what his written report on every game that came his way looked like - "Yeah, this game's nice and all, but you know what it needs? It needs more cock rock. Put some more cock rock in there, and we're solid."

Spencer Nilsen, Sega's resident god of cock rock

This would explain why a good 90% of the SegaCD's library contains shit like the above two clips, and why even games like Lunar and Batman Returns suffered from the inclusion of cock rock. Seriously, fucking Batman Returns. What the hell, Sega? Does Batman strike you as the kind of guy who listens to cock rock while cruising around Gotham in the Batmobile? You turned Batman into a pussy, Sega! A PUSSY!

Anyway, like the game's intro, the theme song to Fahrenheit pretty much speaks for itself. To my knowledge, a full version of the song doesn't exist - a crying shame, it really is - so you can only listen to parts of it during the game's intro and credits. This is way, way more than you'll ever need to hear of it, though.

Hopefully you listened to the intro cut first; it's pretty bad on its own, but hearing it gives you a fuller appreciation for the version that plays during the credits, which is what I like to call the "muy caliente sexo" mix. The beginning is something to have softly playing in the background when you want to show your sweet and emotional side to your ladyfriends, to let them know that you can be their fire-eater (who will win the fight), and that if they need you, you won't fail the test. Then right at the moment - thirty seconds in - when they're all nice and seduced to the point where they're begging for your firepole, *POW*, the chorus - like a sonic donkey punch - kicks in and rocks their motherfucking faces off. An unforgettable night is guaranteed when you're rockin' out to Lou Nadeau's searing vocals, that's for sure.

The lyrics above are mostly educated guesses, by the way, since the in-game audio quality is so low that it makes the singer fairly unintelligible. Feel free to correct me if I'm misinterpreting anything. You'll also notice a point in each song where the audio appears to skip and then increase in volume, but believe it or not, this is actually what it's supposed to sound like. The game has a little problem with the way it handles its video, apparently, leading to little skips like this throughout the entire game.

But like I said, we're not going to talk about the game!

I guess if there's one good thing that can be said about Feel The Heat, though, it's that both versions of it are mercifully brief. Unlike, say, the epic musical journey that was Prime, each edit of Feel The Heat fades and cuts off right at the point where it begins to grate. It's unfortunate that not every SegaCD theme song was so considerate toward its listeners. Maybe these games would be remembered more fondly if their themes had been edited to the point where it was easy to get a cheap laugh out of them, yet not so long as to cause any permanent damage. Unfortunately for Sega, we may never know.

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