I thought about attempting to analyze the first few panels here, but there's no point when nearly the entire page is engulfed by a splash picture of a majestic beluga whale Johnny Turbo in all his glory.  This remains my most memorable image in the entire three-issue series, aside from a certain one on the next page.  There's our man Johnny, and while it's difficult to figure out exactly what he's doing, I figure that either he's attempting his best Kool-Aid Man impression by breaking through an electric fence, or he's being propelled into the scene by a massive lightning fart.  And look at that pose!

Johnny Turbo wears a fine ensemble.  His red galoshes and rubber gloves clash wonderfully with his heavy-looking and probably useless toolbelt/bandoleer.  And that belt buckle is just FABulous.  His jumpsuit, whose color can only be described as "communist green," further accentuates his pride in his heritage as the fat bastard lovechild of Superman and Fidel Castro.  And topping off this mountainous mass of manliness is a red baseball cap, tilted defiantly to the side, as if to say, "Hey, you kids, I'm 'hep' and 'with it'."  Truly, Johnny is a real gasser.

That horrendous image is only the half of it, though.  The accompanying text proves to be...well, almost as bad.  Almost.  KIDS!! LISTEN!!  The Turbo Duo is the first CD game system blehful gar blah!! (his fatty lips did impair his ability to talk) And after hearing the word of truth from Johnny, the world's children collectively responded, "What the fuck is a Turbo Duo?"

Quote of the year: "Why, we released Sherlock Holmes on CD almost two years ago!!"  To which the foul-mouthed children of the world replied, "Who fucking cares?!"  Sherlock Holmes: Consulting Detective is one of the most boring, stupid, non-interactive pieces of shit to ever dare to call itself a game.  Its existence is not at all justified by any claims that the game is revolutionary, due to its extensive use of full motion video.  Anyone who would try to compliment the game simply because it started a trend of non-interactive "multimedia experiences" should be killed, and now.  Seriously.  Let's sweep out the ghettos and find these people before they begin the threaten the very nature of logic itself.

Ahem.  But anyway, to claim that your system was the first to host one of the worst non-games ever made is a statement that is not only stupid, it's actually detrimental to the sad, inconsequential point that you're trying to make.  To put it simply, you can keep motherfucking Sherlock Holmes, bitch.

The next panels prove the Johnny Turbo is both stupid AND violent.  While those poor Feka goons are still reeling from JT's fucked up tirade about Sherlock Holmes, Johnny rushes up and somehow cold-cocks the both of them with one punch.  Very Final Fightish.  But this unprovoked act of aggression, combined with his tendency to ramble on about who had the first CD system, would suggest that JT had to have recently escaped from a mental institution.  And while The Tick may have taught us that escaped mental patients often make for kickass superheroes, Johnny Turbo proves to be the flabby exception to the rule.

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