Panel 1: Whoa there. Jonathan BRANDSTETTER?! Uh...huh. That could quite possibly be the worst hastily made-up name I've ever heard. It's trumped only by the name of the guy you control in that crappy Genesis game Shove It ("The Warehouse Game!"), which is, somewhat sensically, Stevedore. But this might be worse. Jonathan Brandstetter. Damn. Look out, here's his loyal ethnic sidekick Bill Generico! And his sexy love interest, Kelly Supermodel! Though I doubt anyone would ever be blind enough to become Johnny's love interest. Eew.
Lame name aside, though, Jonathan's apparently got a pretty sweet job: he's a full-time computer expert. Personally, I worked for a couple of years towards a bachelor's degree in computer expertise, but it didn't work out. The courses were just too hard, and besides, I didn't think I could get into the daily routine of an average computer expert - from what I learned, a person with a degree in the field, upon completion of his courses, is expected to be able to spend the majority of his time using a computer to download pirated software, browse porn sites, and hang around on various IRC channels for extended periods of time. I dunno about you, but I just couldn't see myself following such a rigorous schedule on a daily basis.
Panel 2: Conveniently, Johnny and his roommate (their relationship is explored in issue #3) are discussing the radicalness of the TurboDuo at that moment. Yep, Gate of Thunder's got that smooooth flavor, and the arcade feel! Just what is the arcade feel, anyway? Is it a phenomenon that occurs when the loser in a round of Tekken wants to make his opponent feel really uncomfortable as revenge? If so, then just keep your damn hands to yourself, John-boy. And get your release dates straight. Even when this comic was published, Gate of Thunder was hardly new.
Panel 3: The lovely bowtied Tony here, while showing off his "o" face, gets Johnny to shut up about the TurboDuo for a few seconds so an urgent radio report of geopolitical significance can be heard without a bellowing bearded fat guy drowning it out. Sadly, Tony apparently suffers from June Cleaver Syndrome - he's awfully well dressed considering that he's in his own apartment and the only person who's going to notice his manner of dress is his roommate. Or maybe Johnny is a mean and demanding husband, who insists that poor Tony be dressed to the nines during every waking moment, under penalty of cruel sexual torture. Then again, who cares?
Panel 4: This is insane!! Everyone knows that we were first!! And that really matters!! So..."they keep saying that their system is first"? Dude, no. Sega never did that. Wait, I take that back...Sega did claim in *one* obscure promotional pamphlet that they had the first and only CD system, but they removed that claim from subsequent pamphlets. And that must be one rare and thinly-distributed pamphlet, by the way, because I don't have a copy of it. And I have just about every video game related advertisement item ever made. I've even got a cheesy ratings system guide that features the amazingly homosexual "ESRB Guy" for chrissake (scan forthcoming). I'll pick up anything if it's free. As for Tony's comment about the TurboDuo's games being more intense than Sega's...well, let's just share a good laugh and move on, shall we?
And check out how Johnny's facial hair fully encircles his misshapen head in this panel. Dead sexy.
Panel 5 & 6: Yeah, you know, they must pay for their inadvertent lies that wouldn't hurt either company in the long run. What should we do? Why, we'll make a shitty slanderous comic about them, of course.
Panel 7: If I ever make a game system, this is going to be the way I sell it. Screw all that complicated shit with distributors and middlemen and good business practices and etcetera. I'm going to hire two shady looking guys to hawk my entire inventory on a random street corner. That's the way you do it. I mean, if glassy-eyed kids are going to be lining up, money in their hands, to buy my system regardless, why bother trying to sell it in a normal way? Judging by this panel, someone at TTI thought that people were "flocking" to buy the SegaCD because of their nonexistent claims of being the first CD system. That kind of logic is damaged in more ways than I can even attempt to describe. Want to know why the SegaCD succeeded while the TG-16 failed? Look at one of Sega's print or TV ads, then look at an episode of Johnny Turbo. It should all be very self-explanatory.
And who else but the geniuses behind this tragic piece of advertisement would dare try to portray free games as being a BAD thing? Yeah, kid. We'll throw in some CD games free! The first hit is always free. But then you'll want more more MORE! Soon you'll be consumed by a desire to buy more video games for your video game system! Some may say that buying more games and getting the most out of your hardware investment is wrong, but it feels so, so right!
Hell, Turbo dudes, the free games that were included with the SegaCD made a few stupid people like me want to buy it. What's wrong with that? And what did you guys ever freely offer the unfortunate few who may have bought your system during a moment of weakness? Besides pain and grief, that is.
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