As you can probably infer, this is where it gets really bad.  There's some nice pictures in this part, but you can stop believing any of the textual details presented in this story right about...now.

Okay.

...

Wooooohooooo thish ish gooooood schtuff, mang.

Lesse what the Red guy is doing.

Back to yer old tricks again, I see!!!  You fucking, lucky...bed-jumping, you...guy!

...

Yes, most of the guests are by now assembled in the adjoining room, jumping on the bed, after Red's cue.  It's not long before Red's memory is jostled, and the greatest game of all time is once again introduced.

<TheRedEye> Okay, HEY.
<TheRedEye> Everybody!
<TheRedEye> All right, so we were playing the best game ever last night, and...
<TheRedEye> Well, it was - are you ready for this?
<TheRedEye> JUMPING ON THE BED DUCK HUNT!

The reaction is immediately positive.  So we again play.  This time, with a bunch of TheRedEye's drunken cohorts.  Red and Billy are there to show everyone how to play, of course, and Nick eventually really got into it as well.  Mostly, though, everyone else just stood back at a safe distance and watched Red and Billy get progressively more competitive as rounds went on.

However, the game experienced a glorious evolution as the night wore on and as more drinks were imbibed.  Red eventually turned the game into RUNNING ACROSS THE ROOM AND LEAPING ON THE BED DUCK HUNT!  Which then soon begat DIVING ON THE BED DUCK HUNT!  Which then itself, eventually, became DIVING AND AIMING FOR THE BED, BUT MISSING AND LANDING ON THE FLOOR, ON YOUR HEAD, DUCK HUNT!

Honestly?  I don't think I've laughed harder in my entire life.

I mean...just the image, man.  The sheer spectacle of watching a pinstripe suit-wearing TheRedEye drunkenly diving on a bed while shooting sideways at a duck, Matrix-style, was perhaps the greatest thing ever.  Soon, everybody started following Red's lead, and the dive-shots became more and more dramatic.  Or as dramatic as the group's drunkenness would allow, anyway.

I'm kicking myself for not getting pictures of this thing.  I apologize.  I really wish I could've gotten at least one shot of TheRedEye, with a cigarette dangling from his lip, in midair, insanely screaming at Nintendo ducks while trying to squeeze off three shots at the screen before landing on the floor on his head.  Great, great stuff here, people.  This is why you all need to go to the next CGE.

(While I was too distracted and/or wasted to notice, FeFeA friend portnoyd apparently made his entrance in the middle of DIVING ON THE BED DUCK HUNT!  He walked into the room just in time to see Red making a really dramatic dive and shooting at a duck.  His reaction was along the lines of what could be expected: "Ah!  The hell?!"

The best part?  Red actually managed to hit the duck.)

When the physical pain starts to be too much for the diving Duck Hunters to bear, they move on to the next room, in pursuit of something that involves more drinking and less hurting.

<Player_2> So, what're you drinking?
<Sardius> Well, I WAS drinking vodka and cran...
<Sardius> But I kinda ran out of the cran, so this is pretty much straight vodka here.
* Sardius takes a big swig.
<Player_2> (noticeably impressed) That's awesome!

I head over to the table in the corner and sit down.  This gives me a good vantage point.  Spinner sits across the table from me, and we both marvel at what unfolds.

<TheRedEye> Okay, we need to get a drinking game going on here.
<TheRedEye> But I wonder what...hmm.
* TheRedEye picks up and starts thumbing through a bible, which is sitting open on a nearby table for some strange reason.
<TheRedEye> I guess we could play the bible drinking game!
<Sardius> Bible...drinking game?
<TheRedEye> Sure.  We just have to figure out some rules.
<Player_2> Read through it and take a drink every time God smites somebody!
<Chantel> Drink every time you get to something you don't understand!
<Chantel> "In the beginning...aw FUCK."

The idea is soon scrapped for something more conventional.

<TheRedEye> All right, it's the "I'm going to grandma's house..." game.
<TheRedEye> Everybody who wants to play, get over to the couch.
<TheRedEye> You in, Dannyboy?
<Sardius> Nah, I think I'll just watch you all fuck yourselves up from over here, thanks.

I should've played.  I don't know why I didn't.  I think the vodka was already getting to me a lot.  But anyway.  The players included Red, Billy, Nick, Chantel, Hank, and Mystery Girl.

The game goes like this: The group, taking individual turns, creates a list of things that they're going to bring to grandma's house, starting from the beginning of the alphabet.  On each player's turn, they have to recite the items previously suggested by other players, then add one of their own invention.  Fuck up, and you have to take a drink.  It's simple, fun, and a good way to tell just how drunk your friends are.

Naturally, the list that TheRedEye and company created was pretty crazy.  I once had the entire session memorized, since I was watching it intently in between gulps of vodka.  But I can only remember the beginning of the list now.  It went something like:

- Asphalt (recurring theme #7)
- Bananas
- a Car
- Donuts
- an Elephant
- THE FUCK

and so on.  I'm pretty sure that someone offered to bring leprosy to grandma when an "L" word was needed, too, but that's about all I can remember now.  Someone who wasn't as intoxicated as me needs to send me the full list sometime.

As the game continued, so did the tradition of making it progressively more and more complex.  Call me crazy, but I think it was because of the alcohol.  Billy and Red, in particular, started to create their own narratives to accompany the item list.  An approximation:

<Player_2> All right, so I was going to grandma's, right?
<Player_2> So's I call her up on the phone - to ask her what I should bring, see.
<Player_2> Lemme tell ya - first thing the crazy bitch says she wants is some ASPHALT.
<Player_2> Asphalt, seriously.
<Player_2> Old bag then says she wants some BANANAS.
<Player_2> So I hang up on her and hop in my CAR to go get some DONUTS.
<Player_2> For me. Fuck grandma.
<Player_2> Anyway, on the way, I see a dead ELEPHANT on the side of the road.
<Player_2> What the hell, man.
<Player_2> And that was when I decided to get ol' granny a nice big case of THE FUCK.

Now, you'd think that it'd be easy to remember the list of items, with such elaborate stories being made up by the more creative members of the group.  And for awhile, that was true.  However, as the booze began to take effect

<Chantel> I...okay, I...I'm going...
<Chantel> ...to grandma's house! Yes!
<Chantel> I'm going to grandma's house, and I'm bringing...
<Chantel> ...
* Chantel takes a drink.

more and more people started to slip up in reciting the list.  Some more pathetically than others.  It was just fun to watch, really, and Spinner and I were quite amused.  I was more amused than him, though, you know, because of the drunkenness and all.

<Sardius> Heeey Speeeenar!
<Sardius> Why aren't you drinking?
<Sardius> Have you even had one drink yet?
<Spinner_8> Nope.
<Sardius> Well hell man, what's the holdup?
<Spinner_8> Eh, I dunno.

I was mystified and a little offended that he didn't want to join me in my drinking.  But I was more concerned with the fact that my cup of vodka was once again empty.  I headed back to the bar and was disappointed to find that more cranberry juice hadn't magically materialized like I had hoped it would.  Oh well, more straight vodka for me, I guess...

<thenickshow> Hey, you need any help over there?
<Sardius> Nah, I think I got it.
<Sardius> But...like, is there anymore cranberry juice anywhere? I can't find any.
<thenickshow> Don't think so...but I think there might still be some orange juice.
<Sardius> Oh...so orange juice goes good with vodka, too?
<thenickshow> Yeah!  Pretty much any kind of juice mixes with vodka.

The things you learn in Vegas.  Thanks, Nick.  I mix up some vodka and orange juice, and...wow, that IS good.  I likes.

The drinking game soon disbands, and then...well, some stuff happens.  My memory is starting to get a little fuzzy here.  Let's see...

Well, after the game ends, Red gets up to put on some music.  Some mix CD or another is featured first, followed by the Minibosses CD.  It just seemed appropriate, I guess.

<Spinner_8> Is it just me, or does their vocal stuff kinda suck?
<Sardius> Kinda?

When Red leaves the room at some point, he returns a few minutes later in a rush, reaching for the stereo to turn it down.  We got a complaint.  Huh.  The music wasn't that loud, though.  I guess we were just partying too hard for some other people to take.  Or something.  I bet one of those fat guys in shorts complained.  Those bastards.  They were conspiring against us, I know it.

Um, what else.

Oh, well, Nick had his own moment of inspiration, for one thing:

No, that's not a Metroid full of M&Ms, it's a showercap filled with Skittles.  I don't know where the Skittles came from.  Nor the showercap, now that I think about it.  But it was Nick's idea, and it was a good one.  I'm just kind of assuming that he didn't pull the cap out of the trash or something, though, otherwise his idea would be considerably less awesome.

Hank's array of alcohol is soon explored, and several unopened bottles are pulled from plastic bags.  Cases of Mike's Hard Lemonade and something called Black Rat are produced.

<TheRedEye> Here, try one of these.
* TheRedEye tosses Sardius a bottle of Black Rat.
<TheRedEye> It's pretty good stuff.
* Sardius opens the bottle and takes a sip.
<Sardius> Mm, you're right. Not bad at all.

(Actually, it turns out that it's really terrible stuff, but we either didn't notice or care at the time.)

<Sardius> Waitwait, I wanna get a picture here. This is perfect.
<Sardius> Spinner. Take picture.
<Spinner_8> Kay.

Nick's behind the bar, Billy is standing across from him, Hank is seated in the chair, Red and Chantel are on the floor, and the muppet in the middle is me.

Speaking of which...eh, I don't know if I should even bring this up, because it's so stupid.

But...

Well, there was a girl there at the party.  A girl that no one seemed to know.  She is The Mystery Girl, whom I had previously described to the best of my ability - I still don't know much about her, other than the fact that she was pretty attractive-looking.  Anyway.  Somewhere in the middle of my third cup of vodka (the strong, nearly-undiluted one), I begin to notice her looking at me.  She'd turn away whenever I looked back, though.  This happened a few times, even during the drinking game.  And after the game was over, she got up from the couch and sat in the chair next to me - right next to me - at the table.  I didn't know what to make of it.

<TheRedEye> I vaguely remember some girl asking me who the muppet was.

Anyway, I may have just been imagining all of this, thanks to the vodka, but still...I don't know.  We just kind of sat there at the table together for awhile, not saying anything.

<TheRedEye> And you didn't engage in conversation because...?
<Sardius> Because drunk talk from me is even more awkward and weird than normal talk.
<Sardius> I told myself not to.
<Sardius> ...which, yeah, was probably a mistake.
<Sardius> You know, I suck.
<TheRedEye> Forget whores, you could have scored with some random girl at a TheRedEye party.

I should've said something.  Any kind of slurred retardation from me would've been better than silence.  Though it wasn't exactly silence - Red and his gang were still very active and as entertaining as always, and I watched them in amused silence, even as the sideways stares from Mystery Girl continued.

Again, though, I'm probably imagining this.  It's the vodka's fault, I swear.  Sorry, Mystery Girl, if I was misreading you.

Still, though.  Why didn't I try?  She looked so alone.  I could have at least asked her who she came with and if she was as frightened by the drunken freaks parading around the room as I was.

But I didn't, and I'm never going to see her again, and all the insecure rambling in the world isn't going to change that.  Them's the breaks.  Mystery Girl, if you're out there, I'm sorry I was so self-conscious of my mental state at the time that I didn't say anything.  I wasn't ignoring you or anything, it's just...

Oh, leave me alone.  Let's move on.

Okay, what happened next?

<Chantel> SKITTLEBROW!!!
<TheRedEye> Oh fuck yeah, let's do that right now.
<Sardius> ...huh?
<Chantel> You know, like on that one episode of The Simpsons.
<Chantel> Where Homer asks Apu to sell him some beer with Skittles in it.
<Chantel> Or something like that.
<Sardius> Hah, oh yeah, that's right.
<Sardius> "I believe that product does not exist, sir."
<TheRedEye> Right.
<TheRedEye> "Perhaps it is something you thought up in a dream."

Paraphrased Simpsons quotes rule.  Especially when you can recall them, then put the concepts they describe into action.  And that's what everyone did.  We made Skittlebrow.  Everyone got a handful of Skittles from the communal showercap and started adding them to their drinks.  And while most of our drinks were unaffected by the addition...

<TheRedEye> Aaahhhhh!  What the fuck...
<TheRedEye> ...wow!

...when Red dropped just one Skittle into his bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade, a strange, violent chemical reaction occurred.  The drink immediately turned shit-brown, the Skittle melted almost instantly, and a bizarre frothy substance started shooting up out of the bottle, looking not at all unlike one of those baking soda and vinegar volcanoes you make in elementary school.

<Sardius> That...is AWESOME.
<Player_2> It's like the drink is screaming in pain or something.

Sure there was a big mess as a result, but who cares?  The maids'll clean it up.  Such is the beauty of hotel living.

Man, I need to get some Mike's and Skittles now.  The experiment must be performed again.  Over the sink this time, though.

->On to Part 13
<-Back to Articles
<-Index