All right. It's after midnight, and we're gonna let it all hang down. Time for the REAL party to start.
...
Or maybe we could just, I dunno, drink ourselves stupid and start acting like asses. Sound like a plan to you guys? Okay then.
It's somewhere around here where I first utter my now-infamous catchphrase:
<Sardius> I'M GONNA GET DRUNK EVERY NIGHT!!!
Which Spinner will never, ever let me forget for as long as I live, simply because its sentiment was so very different from what I was saying the next day.
Anyway, by now I'm done with my Black Rat and my fourth cup of vodka. I head back to the bar for another refill, only to find that the vodka bottle has disappeared! No! As I stumble around looking for it, though, I spy something on the table.
Wine-in-a-box. It's got a tap on the front. I'm there, dude.
You know, I didn't even stop to think right then that mixing your alcohol like that would be a bad thing. But I found that out soon enough. As you'll see.
So I step over TheRedEye, who is sprawled out on the floor, and reach for the box of wine he is guarding. And after an excruciatingly slow cup filling process (made only worse by the fact that I couldn't hold anything straight and much of the wine went on the floor), I was once again in possession of sweet, sweet alcohol. I don't care where this stuff came from or how cheap it is - I just need to get more booze in me, like, now. So I sit back down in my chair and resume killing braincells.
However, my wine-stealing actions apparently raised the ire of TheRedEye.
And before I know it, he's up off the floor and sitting next to me.
<Sardius> Uh...hi.
<TheRedEye> HAHAHAHAHA
Right. We're both pretty wasted at this point, but Red makes more of a show out of it than I do.
So we drunkenly ramble at each other for several minutes, just having a great time and bullshitting back and forth in barely-sensical sentence structures.
But suddenly, without warning...!
There's a napkin in his mouth. He shakes his head back and forth, growling like an enraged dachshund all the while. I don't know what brought this on, but I'm honored when he soon presents the napkin to me as a gift.
<TheRedEye> *ptooie*
<TheRedEye> Myeah, there
ya go. Merry Christmas 'n shit.
<Sardius> Oh my...I...I
dunno what to say, man.
<TheRedEye> Say thank
you.
<Sardius> Well...okay,
yeah, thanks.
<Sardius> Haha...y, yunno
what would be just...you know...fucking GREAT?
<Sardius> If...haha...if
you'd SIGN it.
<TheRedEye> Haha, okay,
fine.
<TheRedEye> ANYTHING
FOR THE FANS and shit and fuck mmmm...
<TheRedEye> That good
enough for you, SIR?
<Sardius> Oh, that's...wonderful.
Jus' wonderful.
<Sardius> Thank you so
much.
<Sardius> Hahagh, du...dude!
<Sardius> I...I'm gonna
fuckin' make that, like, my fuckin' title image.
<Sardius> On my...my
fucking website.
<Sardius> Fucking promise.
Seriously.
<TheRedEye> Yeah, go
for it.
<TheRedEye> Actually,
you have to do it now, since you promised.
<Sardius> Yeah, I will.
<Sardius> I won't...won't
let you doooowwwwwnnn!
<Sardius> Mister RedEye!!!
And after I got back from the show, I did indeed make that napkin my title image. And it remained there for several months, because I was too lazy to take it down.
All the good cheer in the room soon melted away, though, as Red and I became more and more inebriated. While the alcohol had caused me to become almost completely immobile (save for several more trips to the wine box, for refills), the effect on Red was somewhat different.
<TheRedEye> So, SUPINNAH.
<TheRedEye> What's up
with you? Why aren't you drinking?
<Spinner_8> Well, I
<TheRedEye> SUPINNAH.
<Spinner_8> ...yeah...?
<TheRedEye> Exactly.
<TheRedEye> You know
what YOUR problem is.
<TheRedEye> You just
play all those FUCKING translations all the time.
<TheRedEye> That shit's
what's making you so...yeah.
<Spinner_8> ...
<TheRedEye> HEY
<TheRedEye> You know
what you need to do?
<TheRedEye> You need
to stop playing all those stupid FUCKING translations.
<TheRedEye> Then you
need to start drinking.
<TheRedEye> And watch
more Mystery Science Theatre!
<TheRedEye> Yeah, THAT's
what you need to do, I SAY.
<Spinner_8> Hah.
<TheRedEye> SHUT UP
<TheRedEye> I don't need
to listen to youuuu...you're UGLY
<Spinner_8> ...shyeah,
like I never heard that one before.
After a few seconds of silence, it finally sunk in that I should probably be saying something in my friend's defense.
<Sardius> Hey, HEY.
That's...you...that's not
* TheRedEye starts rambling
about some other subject.
<Sardius> Haha oh yeah.
Well so much for that.
...
Hey Red, let's take your drunken rage and do something useful with it. Like say...crashing a baby shower, or something.
Thinking back on it, those chicks were pretty cool about me and Red barging into their room and demanding sex. I admit that it was a disgustingly inappropriate thing to do, but they had a pretty good sense of humor about it. For awhile, anyway. The room got kind of quiet after I stripped naked and smeared that "BABY" cake all over myself. So after we spent a few minutes nervously looking for my pants, Red and I took our leave. We had more important things to do, anyway.
Like make fun of the Video Game Bible dude.
For the whole night, that guy was even more immobile than I was. All he did throughout the whole party was sit on that couch and talk about the military. Seriously. No exaggeration or hyperbole here, kids, that's just what he did. I sat there for what seemed like hours in my chair across the room - rendered paralyzed by vodka and boxed wine - being tortured unceasingly by this guy's many fucked-up military stories. Most of which were vaguely homoerotic tales of guys playing perverse pranks on one another.
After listening very intently to the guy's stories for a few minutes (see pictures above), Red started to piece together elements from them and eventually was able to make up his own military story. When his mentally-prepared amalgamation was complete, Red got up and went in to the next room to announce his creation to all the party's guests.
<TheRedEye> Okay, that
guy in there is talking about the military, like, A LOT.
<TheRedEye> And it's
just FUCKED UP.
<TheRedEye> So you know
those commercials you always see about the Navy SEALs?
<TheRedEye> With all
the fire and lions and action and all? [ed. note: I think he is shakily
describing TV ads for the Marines]
<TheRedEye> Well it's
ALL BULLSHIT.
<TheRedEye> Because let
me tell you, according to that guy?
<TheRedEye> THE NAVY
SEALS IS ALL ABOUT GRABBING GUYS' BALLS AND PISSING ON THEIR BACKS!!!
This got an enormously positive reaction from the drunken assembly, of course, so with such encouragement, Red began the process of repeating the story constantly. Every five minutes or so, even from the next room, you could clearly hear Red scream out this proclamation, without any sort of prodding or reason. Even in talking to him, he'd add this outburst in mid-sentence sometimes. I thought it was hilarious, personally. You need to be drunk to appreciate its full fantasticness, though.
I love this picture for so many reasons. The eerie mist makes it even better. It's like TheRedEye is a ghostly grandpa warning his grandchildren about Jurassic Boy from beyond the grave. Or maybe he's just about to launch into his NAVY SEALS!!! story again.
In the middle of my RedEye picture-taking funfest, though, I start to talk with Nick. I hope he can one day forgive me for my idiocy. The following conversations have been modified for clarity, and because typing simulated drunk talk gets old quick.
<thenickshow> So what's
your name, man?
<Sardius> Danny.
<Sardius> I'm just here
for the show - came here from Texas with this guy.
* Sardius thumbs in the
direction of Spinner.
<Sardius> And to finally
meet TheRedEye, of course.
<thenickshow> See, that
just blows my mind.
<thenickshow> None of
us - his friends - can believe that Frank is some kind of internet celebrity.
<Sardius> Oh yeah, he
sure is.
<Sardius> He's a fucking
legend. My personal idol, even.
<thenickshow> Unbelievable.
I never would've known.
<thenickshow> Hey, how
do you know him? Do you have a website or something?
<Sardius> Yeah, we kind
of were introduced to each other through my site.
<Sardius> You've probably
never heard of it, though...'s called The Sardius Experience.
<thenickshow> Oh yeah...actually,
I have heard of it.
<Sardius> WHAT?
This was new. I'd never ran into anyone who'd heard of my website before. I was pleased, and a little scared.
Anyway, Nick was cool. He laughed at all the dumb shit I said, anyway, so that put him on my good side right away.
<Sardius> That...that
fucker over there. On the couch. Yeah.
<Sardius> Fuckin' talking
about the military and shit.
<Sardius> And he won't
stop. Ever.
<Sardius> It's like he's
TRYING to get me to KILL MYSELF.
<thenickshow> Hahaha.
<thenickshow> That kinda
reminds me, didn't you and Frank share some obsessed fan awhile back or
something?
<TheRedEye> Oh yeah!
That guy!
<Sardius> Shit, I know
who you're talking about.
<Sardius> ...whassisname...
<Sardius> Chaz fucking
Chandler.
<TheRedEye> That's the
one.
<Sardius> What was up
with that guy, anyway?
<TheRedEye> I dunno,
man. I just don't know.
<TheRedEye> Remember
that email he sent you? That was the fucking best.
<Sardius> HAHA OH SHIT.
<Sardius> Okay, everyone
needs to hear about this.
We then described our Chaz-related thoughts to the rest of the people in the room.
<Sardius> God, what *did*
he say...I know it was just nuts.
<TheRedEye> Something
about Rygar.
<Sardius> Right, right!
About how Rygar gets him really suicidally depressed when he plays it.
<Sardius> And the only
thing that keeps him from letting Rygar cause him to take his own life
is...me and my website.
<Sardius> Sheer insanity.
I loved it.
<TheRedEye> Exactly.
<TheRedEye> Except then,
later on, we talked about making this animated picture of Rygar in action,
for Chaz.
<TheRedEye> It would
start off normal, with the guy jumping around and killing enemies and stuff.
<TheRedEye> But every
few seconds, the dude would turn towards you and start saying things like
"KILL YOURSELF" and "DO IT".
<Sardius> Hahaha, ah
man, that's right.
<Sardius> We should still
do that sometime.
Maybe we should. By "we," though, I of course mean "you." "You" being anyone else but me.
---
Update: Check THIS crazy shit out:
(wraith) made this. Thank you so very, very much, sir. This RULES.
---
Anyway.
My attention turns every so often to my sober friend Spinner.
<Sardius> Why AREN'T you
drinking, anyway?
<Spinner_8> No reason.
<Spinner_8> Maybe I just
don't want to start acting like you guys.
<Sardius> Fuck you.
<Sardius> ...am I that
bad? Really?
<Spinner_8> Oh yes, yes
you are.
<Sardius> Huh.
<Sardius> Well, I don't
have to listen to you, you fucking teetotaler.
<Spinner_8> ...what?
<Sardius> You're a fucking
teetotaler. I just called you one.
<Spinner_8> And...what's
a teetotaler?
<Sardius> A guy who doesn't
drink! Jesus! Brush up on your vocabulary, fool!
<Spinner_8> I've never
heard that word before. I think you're making it up.
<Sardius> Come on, everybody
knows it. It's a common word.
<Sardius> Nick, c'mere.
<Sardius> YOU know what
a teetotaler is, don't you?
<thenickshow> Sorry to
say, but I don't.
<Spinner_8> He's drunk,
he's making up words!
<Sardius> DAMMIT YOU
PEOPLE
Look, it IS a real word. You people just don't have...the quality of...you know...uh, knowing lots of words, and stuff.
Fuck, where's my thesaurus.
Anyway, back to drinking.
I waver and wobble over to the wine box for yet another hit. The spout begins to anger me with its slowness in filling up another giant cupful of cheap wine.
<Sardius> Faster, dammit, FASTER.
But somehow, I'm able to get a full cup without losing my balance. Looking around and seeing that there's now no one else in the room except for Spinner, Billy and that Video Game Bible guy, I start to hunt around for the rest of the party.
They're in the next room. Red is crouched on the floor, laying facefirst on the bed, and Nick is trying to...I dunno, talk him into drinking some more, or something. I'm somehow able to convince Red to wake up for just long enough to get a picture of me with my bartender and therefore new best friend, Nick.
Too bad the picture turned out looking like we're fresh off of a brief sexual encounter. Oh well. At least Nick seems happy about it. He rated my performance with a THUMBS UP!
But as Red is going to hand the camera back to me, I refuse it, explaining:
<Sardius> Tell ya what,
man.
<Sardius> I'ma gonna
take me a monster leak.
<Sardius> You take some
pictures, I'm tired of doing it.
<TheRedEye> But...what
should I take pictures of?
<Sardius> I dunno...just...whatever
you find...interesting!
<Sardius> I'm going.
<Sardius> ...to PEE.
I start to open the bedroom's bathroom door, only it's blocked by something halfway. I look down to see Chantel puking in the toilet. Before I can close the door again, she looks up at me with what is the most pitiful, sad face I've ever seen on a person ever. I swear, I'll never forget that sight. It was really kind of sad to see, especially when you mentally contrast it with her usual happy self.
<Sardius> Oh, uh, s-sorry.
But who cares, I gotta pee.
And after a quick, racehorse-like whiz at the other room's bathroom, I return to find Red passed out on the bed again, with my camera in hand. Spinner explains that he saw Red stumble around the room pointing the camera at various things, then going back into the other room and collapsing on the bed, without taking a picture of anything. I'm furious. I start to yell at poor, defenseless Red as he's lying there, completely vulnerable and silently absorbing my insults.
Vulnerable, eh? Them's picture-taking words!
Yes, that's his asscrack. No, I didn't even know that I'd taken a picture of Red's asscrack until after it was pointed out to me. Which was only after I, uh, uploaded this picture and displayed it for the general public on my message board.
...
Yeah, sorry about that, man. I didn't know, really.
Anyway. Red's starting to look sleepy, people are puking, and the party's starting to wind down. I guess we'll be sleeping soon.
...but first, just one more gratuitous TheRedEye picture.
All right, that's enough.
Now, for some reason, when I finally decide to try to sleep, I find that Spinner's in my bed. The uncomfortable couch in the bedroom, I mean. Shit! Also, the couch in front is still being occupied by the Video Game Bible guy, and Red is tucked into his bed...with Hank?! Wow, that's going to be fun for him to wake up to.
<TheRedEye> my first thought was "oh god, I'm hung over." My second thought was, "Hey, there's someone next to me." My third thought was, "Oh my god, that's a dude."
Looks like the only available mildly comfortable-looking thing in sight is...a chair in the bedroom.
Is it going to have to come to this?
I mean, it's a nice chair. It's cushioned and everything, but...a chair? I've never slept sitting up. I'm not sure I'll be able to...
Ah hell, I'm too drunk to really care. Sleeping now.