Page 3: The Beginning

Oh, god, he's naked again. Don't look. Just stand still, and maybe he'll wander off somewhere.
...and, uh, could you remind me of where that is, exactly?

And so...yeah, the castle.  Where's that soon-to-be wife of mine?  The guards seem shaken at my nakedness (the guard on the right screenshot won't even look directly at me), but they still manage to give some unhelpful advice.  Guess I'll have to find this chick on my own.
...freaking guards think they're so smart...and these damned identical rooms with no furniture...grumble, grumble...
Hey, uh, honey? Can't we have one of those freaky hippie outdoor nature weddings? I'm already outside, and I'm nude, so what could stop us?

And of course, I get lost.  In my own castle.  I bet those guards are laughing their asses off at me.  Actually, they were probably terrified.  "Hey, the prince is looking naked and bewildered...why don't you go help him?" "Why don't YOU go help him?  I'm not going near the crazy bastard.  I'm staying right here and I'm going to do what the king told me to do - to stand here and get in the way of anyone trying to enter this hall." "Right-o."
Here, I pause at the entrance to what I assume is my room, letting her take in the beauty of my nakedness.
So...what do you think? I thought a tux would be too stuffy, and then I thought, why wear anything at all?

Finally, I find her.  My bride-to-be.  The castle's rooflessness allows for the sunlight to shine upon her beautiful faceless sprite.  Some jarring music starts playing, and she speaks...
As you should be, sweet cheeks.

Ooh. Ow.

This is probably my favorite part of the game. Check out how the princess here uses thinly-veiled sarcasm to protest the wedding.  "So we're getting married?  Huh.  Well, maybe one day I'll regain my memory...and maybe one day you'll stop taking advantage of vulnerable amnesiacs.  Asshole."

Yeah, whatever. Now come with me, whoever you are.

All the condescending attitude in the world isn't going to stop ol' Rhys, though.  You go, boyee.
Oh, yeah. I really LOVE prince what's-his-name here. Really. I do. Yes indeed. Jeez, aren't you royal fruits picking up on my brilliant sarcasm?
Ignore her, guys. She's just a ditzy amnesiac.

When suddenly!
Can't...move! Too...shocked to respond...!

Go on, Rhys.  Swear your vengeance and all that.  I won't interrupt you.
Ooh, buuurn. Too bad that dragon-spawn left about five seconds ago.
Don't point that thing over here!
Nice of how the game reminds us of who the speaker is only after he starts talking.
Ah, my loyal army of eight. Always ready to go to battle on my slightest impulse.

Rhys is a funny name.  How do you pronounce it?  "Riss" just sounds stupid.  And "Rice" could make a guy the butt of countless stupid jokes.  Maybe it's "Rh-ease," yunno, like "Y's," the action/RPG series that I've somehow managed to avoid all my life.  I dunno.  Look, these things bother me, okay?

Anyway.  Speak, Kingey, Speak:
Be somebody. Or be somebody's fool. not a nice thing to do on a Sunday!
...for how long, fucker? I mean, father?
Oh, okay. Just don't forget about me, like you did last time.

Let me get this straight.  My bride gets you throw me in jail?  All right then.  Oh, and King Jerkass, that WAS a Layan.  We just saw one.  The 1,000 year streak has ended.  Jeez.  Guess the king's just really out of it today.
And you can't hate me just because I'm not like you! I can't help it! I'm my own person, dammit! *sob*
Shaddap, Rhys-A-Roni, you're coming with us.
Again? Did she try to run off on you before or something?
*sigh* Looks like our prince had an extra bowl of Drama Flakes this morning...

And thus ends the game's prologue.  Princess gets kidnapped, prince swears vengeance, prince gets thrown into a perilous situation, princess dies in a tragic blimp accident, etc.  Maybe now I'll see some action.
But...but it's dark down there! And it smells like peepee!
*your caption here*

...or maybe I'll just get thrown into the dungeon.  Whatever.
All right fancylad, into your jail cell with ye.
Man, I've ALWAYS wanted to throw that jerk in a cell. C'mon, Joe, let's leave him unattended while we go get some coffee.

Well, okay then.  I kind of expected some kind of last minute change of heart in the prince's captors.  And I was kind of hoping that the prince would suddenly become unglued and start killing everything in sight.  But no.  Like a good little prince, he goes off to the dungeon, just like daddy said to do.  "Now if you be a good little boy and stay in time-out for awhile, we'll find you another amnesiac and you'll marry her tomorrow." "But I don't wanna nudder princess!  I want Mai, or whatever her name was!  Waaaah!"

Do they furnish all prisoners with gifts, or is the king just feeling sorry for me?

Well, it looks like I'm going to be here for awhile.  I'd open those treasure chests which are there for some bizarre reason, but that's just what they'd want me to do!  Maybe I can bust out of here somehow...

At last, my perversions pay off.

Maybe that thingy I traded my clothes for will do something.

You'd think that the guards would've confiscated that thing from him or something.  Being completely naked, it's not like he could've hidden it anywhere.  Unless...oh god.

Um...Rhys!  Get that stick outta yer ass and blow in it! (I apologize for this statement and whatever tragedies it may cause)

Wait'll they get a load of me.

Well, that was unpleasant.  But hey, it worked!  I'm out!  Looks like all that experience with jail and rods in my ass actually came in handy.  Now, to see the king.  And to beat him to death.

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