Page 2: The Quickening

Gotta love human roadblocks.

And so, it begins.  Let's count the clichés, shall we?  Lessee...lone player character in fruity hero garb, cobbled road, shop labeled by vague picture, guy guarding the entrance to town until a development in the story occurs...or is he?  Let us see.

Thanks, peasant. I knew I had *something* I needed to do today...

"...and I'm not moving an inch until you accomplish what's supposed to be accomplished!  Hmph!"  What a dick.  Maybe I have something in my inventory I can stab him with...

I want to dye my hair blue at least once. Seriously.

What, did I grab a fan-translated rom by mistake?  "Techniq?"  What the hell is that?  Ah least the guy I'm controlling looks appropriately gay.  Let's see his stats...
Move on, nothing to see here...
See, this is what generations of royal inbreeding reduce your offspring to.

Fucking spoiled prince.  No talent, no ability, no nothing.  He doesn't even have any Techn.  It looks like he has more stamina and defense than anything else, though, so I guess he can make a good sacrifice/diversion for the monsters to beat up on while the other characters plan an attack, or something.

And hey, waitaminute, assuming that MES is Meseta, could it be that our prince here has NO MONEY to speak of?  That's just stupid.  Maybe he has something I can sell...

No TP? I guess once you use a bidet, there's no going back...

Christamighty.  No money, no cool prince paraphernalia, and no freaking buckle protection.  What a jackass.  He's also unarmed, and his helmetless head should make a great target for whatever deadly creatures lurk around the village.  Luckily, his princely garment should fetch a few bucks on the black market.  Now where's the nearest black market?
Nah, I thought I'd just stand in front of you and initiate a conversation for no real reason.

Ah, there it is.  Say underaged shopkeep, how much would you be willing to pay for this phat cape/tunic combo I'm wearing?
Yes, I wish to 'sel' my garment. You have problem?!
Seven meseta?! That can't even buy a pack of monomate-flavored gum! You whore!

SEVEN BUCKS?!  ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?  All right, I'll take it.  If only so that I'll have an excuse to walk around naked.  The shopkeeper forced me to sell my clothes.  That's what I'll say to anyone who screams. much as I'd like to run around town wearing nothing but a pair of white boots, I wonder if they're worth anything?
You know, I'm probably the only guy in Texas who doesn't own a pair of boots. I feel like such a weirdo.
Do you SEE anything else I can sell? Didn't think so. Now wipe that horrified look off your face.

Now we're talking.  With fifty-seven medieval clams, I can make this the best naked drunken night of my life.  Thanks, little girl.  I wasn't sure if you were cool with the whole buying clothes off a grown man kinda thing.  You wouldn't believe how many times I've been shunned for trying to make people buy my nakedness!  I'm glad you understand me.

Hmm...since we share that, you know, naked bond or whatever, I'll help you out by buying the most expensive thing in your store.  No, no, don't thank me.  Guys like us got to help each other out.  So what's the special of the day?

I'm seein' double! Four Rhyseseses!

Escapipe, huh?  I...don't know what that is, but maybe it'll come in handy.  Whatever it is.  Gimme.
Who do you *think* is going to carry it, you ninny?
Sorry for that caption above. I'll go around mangling Simpsons quotes all day if you let me.

No, thank YOU.  And since I don't have enough money to buy anything else, I won't.  Buy anything else, that is.  Ahem.  Anyway, mind if I snoop around your house? business isn't that brisk, I presume?

Damn straight that there's nothing unusual.  I haven't seen a room this sparsely decorated since I built that addition to the castle to keep my fiancee imprisoned in.  This is depressing.  I'm leaving.

But hey...why is the prince still fully-clothed in that picture?  Didn't I just sell everything he was wearing a minute ago?  It's like the NES version of Terminator 2 - in the first stage, Arnie should by all means be buck nekkid, but he's not.  I can't begin to describe my disappointment.  Oh wait, I get it.  They took out the nudity in the US version of PS3.  Bastard localization issues.  Oh sure, you can have decapitations and mutilation in any game you want, but naked princes?  Forget it.  Freaking prudes.

Bah.  Let's go outside and express my naked self to the townspeople.
Really? Even at Eckerds?
Laya? Dude, that's an awesome song. (now initiating Mr. Show reference) Eric Clapton lives!

You know, there was a time when I'd play entirely through an RPG and obsessively track down and talk to every person in every town until they stopped saying new things.  Then, thanks to its massive amount of dialogue and its general shittiness, Lunar Silver Star Story Complete for the Playstation made me realize that RPGs were, for the most part, a big sucky waste of time.  And ever since I made that realization, I've been a better person.  I mean, like, I could be sitting around wasting 70+ hours a pop on several games with dialogue as stupid as the examples above represent, but since I stopped playing RPGs, I've had more time to do more productive things.  Like play shooters.  And dance games.  Oh how I play the dance games.

(psst...before I get any hate mail...the original Lunar for the SegaCD remains one of my favorite games of all time.  I just despise the PSX version because whenever I play it, I inevitably end up walking around for hours and reading pages worth of hit-and-miss comedy from hundreds of villagers.  That wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the godawful supermarket music that plays incessantly throughout the game.  A few hours of that midi-esque crap would be enough to drive anyone batty.)

See your face upon the clean water. How dirty! Come! Wash your face!

Heey.  A fountain.  Check out how even the fountain's statue is transfixed upon my naked prince.  No one can resist that body.

I wish my family had a coat of arms that was designed on an Atari 2600...

Enough.  Time for the wedding.  I hope they don't mind that I'm not wearing a tuxedo...or anything at all.  We shall see.

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