Well obviously, any nudie mahjong game with the word "Banana" in the title is going to jump right out at you when you're looking for 8-bit sexy relax, so why not start with this one? You'll be happy to immediately see that the title screen doesn't disappoint your expectations, featuring a girl performing two-thirds of the invisible dicklicking clown's act for your ogling pleasure. You've got your banana slurping and your rope tugging right off the bat, so really, how can you go wrong?
I'll tell you how - the computer cheats like a motherfucker. You won't win, ever. You never get the right tiles when you need them, and every time it looks like you're about to go out, OOPS, the computer mysteriously declares ron and the match is over. It took me ten minutes just to win one match to get the screenshots you see here, and it was frustrating as shit. Every match seems to be specifically designed to end your game as quickly as possible. Most mahjong games will let gameplay continue on if a match ends without a clear winner, or at most, penalize the player slightly if the CPU has a better hand than you at the end. Not so for Mahjong Banana Dream! Have a worse hand than the computer? FUCK YOU, INSTANT GAME OVER. What about if you both TIED with tenpai (one tile needed to win) at the end? OH SHIT, YOU JUST LOST YOUR QUARTER SON
But what if you're tied with noten (both hands losing badly)? Well then, instead of starting a new match - like every other mahjong game ever made - THIS game is generous enough to give you a LAST-CHANCE, where you get to pick from a set of face-down tiles to...actually I don't know, because you will never win your LAST-CHANCE, just like you'll never win a normal match. If you lose at a LAST-CHANCE, though, you'll at least be given this screen as consolation:
But if you DO by some hackery or stroke of godly luck manage to win a match, you'll see some titties. Beautiful, glorious titties depicted in interactive cutscenes containing no more than four frames of animation each. And after witnessing one of these scenes, you'll...be immediately dumped back to the title screen.
So the game is pretty much total bullshit. Win or lose, you'll be robbed of your credit after every match regardless. The entire way this game works is in total contrast with the usual way mahjong games are set up, in that they SHOULD reward a player's skill and winnings with more playtime. The entire game gets away with cheating and stealing your money only on the thin promise that the animated cutscenes have to be worth it.
Funny thing is, they ARE worth it.
They are so very, very worth it.