You know, I hope you appreciate the fact that it took every ounce of my personal restraint not to simply describe every panel in this episode with "THIS IS SO GAY. I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT IT. FOR FUCK'S SAKE." It would have made things so much easier for me.
This one's for you, Drakee.
The code being referenced on this page, by the way, is not something that's at all surprising or noteworthy. The code was printed in magazines several months before Johnny Turbo's first issue premiered, so Tony's excitement here is all but wasted. You still have to dig his enthusiasm, though. And those pajamas. They're pretty damned rad.
By now, the sexual imagery in the first panel is just something to be expected. Yeah, so there's a phallic-looking rocket, a curiously horizontal nose, and a disembodied leg covered in fishnet stockings. Big whoop. After that "SUGAR" thing, I don't think any of Tony's nocturnal fantasies can faze us.
What really worries me on this page is Tony's completely fucking insane enthusiasm for Bomberman. I mean, sure it's neat and all that there's a hidden game on the disc that came packed in with your TurboDuo (It's 3 games in 1!! And for only $299!! Sherlock Holmes two years ago DURGRRRR!!), but like...it's Bomberman. Not the kickass Bomberman '93 or '94. But the ancient first game in the Bomberman series that doesn't even compare to its sequels on the Duo. Why, the Nintendo Entertainment System had Bomberman almost five years ago!!
...God, I'm glad I'm almost through writing about these comics. Those Turboisms are really starting to affect the way I think and talk in real life now. I've even used the phrase "doesn't even compare!!" in actual conversation more than once now, completely unintentionally. I hate you, Johnny Turbo. You've ruined my life, you bearded, bloated sack of fuck.
Anyway! Yeah, Bomberman. Bomberman sucks. But apparently Tony doesn't think so. Either that, or I missed out on Bomberman's orgasmic superpowers that turn mild-mannered computer expert love slaves into...well, this:
Christ. He could double for one of those exploding ratings heads from GamePro, don't you think?
Seriously.
The funny thing about this page is how the content becomes gradually more and more disturbing as you continue reading. First we have the sexual imagery in the first panel. Then we're exposed to Tony's strangely rapt fascination with Bomberman. And to follow that up, we have a quote that's simply impossible to comment on or add to:
"...I just can't contain myself!! JONATHAN!!!"
Yes. Just...yes.
But it gets worse. You may not be able to believe it, but it gets worse. Because the last panel of this issue - the one that finally brings an end to Johnny Turbo's oppressive reign of terror - contains the best picture of Johnny in the entire series. Enjoy:
I love it. The folded legs. The socks. The hand on his rounded, protruding belly. And check out that fey wave he's doing with the other hand, as his plump ham hock of an arm rests on the table. Fantastic stuff. Truly fantastic.
...but look at what's on the table there.
Oh Jesus God no.
Do you even know what this implies?
Can you even fathom the very acts that were going on while Tony was having his magnificently homoerotic TurboDuo dreams?
There can only be one explanation for the events that unfolded during this episode.
After Tony fell asleep, Johnny put on his goggles, snuck into Tony's room, and jammed TurboDuo games up his ass while chanting the Bomberman code and screaming about how Tony was his chosen one.
...
I dunno. That's how I saw it, anyway.
...
And so, thus concludes our journey into the madness that is Johnny Turbo. I hope this cautionary tale of unnecessary violence and homoeroticism was enlightening for you, and I pray that one day, the images you have seen here will fade from your memory. Good day, and thanks for reading.
- Sardius
Well. I'm so glad that ordeal is over with, aren't you? Man. But, you know, sometimes I wonder where these comics originated from. Like, is there a real-life version of Johnny Turbo that the character was based on, or what? I mean...well, nah. There's no way a creature as hideous as Johnny Turbo could exist in our reality. Psh. "Real-life version of Johnny Turbo" indeed. Ridiculous. The very idea is just completely absurd.
...or is it?
The Search for Johnny Turbo. Headed your way this summer. Catch the fever.