Christ, here we go again. More violence, more destruction, more robot corpses. Though, actually, BASH! and KRAK!! aren't noises typically associated with punching things that have metallic endoskeletons. Are you absolutely sure that these Feka employees aren't even human, Johnny? Because this is going to end up being quite a mess if you're not telling the truth. And check out that second panel there - the one with the Feka goon somehow getting punched out of his sunglasses. That's a pretty painful-sounding "OW!" there. Now, either the Feka czar programmed his robots with the ability to feel pain, for whatever sick reason he had, or again, these guys might be human after all. If that's the case, then Johnny, you suck. You should know that violence against robots and other non-humans is okay, but violence against fellow homo sapiens is a strict no-no. Didn't the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles teach you ANYTHING?
So, anyway, this is just another one-sided Johnny Turbo fight scene. Lots of good quotable quotes abound, though. Note how Johnny is bashing Sega because their CD system doesn't even work without additional hardware attached to it. Gee, the original TG-16 CD system suffered from the same problem. Also notice how he compares the prices: a rounded-up figure of $400 for the SegaCD combo, but a paltry MSRP of $299 for the TurboDuo. That extra dollar really makes the difference, there. Most disturbing, however, is his assertion that "You can't hide from Johnny Turbo!!" I dunno about you, but that genuinely frightens me. Then again, you may not be able to hide from Johnny Turbo, but you can probably successfully run from him. Because, you know, he's fat.
The latent rage that TTI holds against Sega manifests itself in Panel 5. "If I have anything to do with it, this town will never again see the glowing red eyes of Feka Incorporated!!" That's about as poetic as he's going to get, folks. But no, Johnny, you don't, and won't, have anything to do with Sega's downfall. Nice try, though. Next time, you might want to try a different approach; one that doesn't involve angry, violent propaganda. You also might try marketing a competitively powerful piece of hardware that's backed by good games. That might work, too.
Panel 6 may suggest future battles between JT and the Feka crew (now THAT would make a great band name), but unfortunately, the suggested revenge against Johnny, which may have possibly involved the kidnapping of Tony, which would lead Johnny to Feka's headquarters, where he would burn the place to the ground while shouting various things about Feka's control pads ("You can only plug two into your system at a time, but with the TurboDuo and the required adaptor you can have up to five players at once! ADMIT IT!!"), and this sentence needs to end immediately before it grows any larger, because if it did, it would likely gain sentience and enslave the world's human population, resulting in an apocalyptic war, which would end in the death of all living things, leaving things that aren't even human to devour the fleshy remains.
ANYWAY. This "lesson" that Mr. Feka intimates is never enacted upon. Much to everyone's extreme disappointment, I'm sure. That doesn't mean that Johnny Turbo's reign of terror is over, though. Oh no. The most disturbing episode of Johnny's propaganda is yet to come. As you'll soon see. Stay tuned for Johnny Turbo Episode 3: Tony's Homoerotic Dreamland Adventure! In about seven or eight months, probably! Later on, kids!!
...but wait, there's more! As a parting shot to everyone's intelligence, Johnny Turbo sees fit to end this comic by eating through the page (no really - I swear that those are teethmarks) and delivering a barely-sober endorsement for one of the few good games that the TurboDuo ever spawned. Of course, Lords of Thunder eventually was released for the evil Feka-, er, SegaCD as well, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is Johnny's exclamatory use of the phrase, "Most of my time is spent jackin' up those Feka goons," a statement that causes the mind to react with only blinding terror.
If you want to know what the tiny Lords of Thunder descriptive print says but don't want to download the larger scan, here's a transcription:
"Mysterious undersea caverns, seven layers of 3D scrolling scenery, and a collection of insect-like bosses that will make your eyes bug out. All in all, this CD shooter will give you faith in the Lord."
Now, aside from the obvious blasphemy that's only compounded due to the context of it being in this particular advertisement, there's a few other things wrong here. The first sentence - nevermind that it doesn't contain a real predicate - offers a one-two punch consisting of the worst abuse of the term "3D" ever, followed by a bizarre pseudo-half-metaphor that goes nowhere. I'm sure whoever wrote this thought he was being clever by using the phrases "insect-like" and "bug out" in sequence, but, well, whatever the writer intended this sentence to be, it obviously didn't work out. The second sentence is just as bad, limply using a meaningless description like "CD shooter" to carry the statement, and ending with what can only be described as sheer fucking stupidity.
See, I wanted to major in English, but my counselor said that if I were to successfully do so, then my only career option afterwards would be "English teacher." And you know what kind of stigma is associated with THAT particular job description.
Anyway, that afterthought of a description is somewhat less important than the fact that a screenshot from the wrong fucking game is accompanying it. Johnny's talking about LORDS of Thunder, right? Well, that's pretty obviously a screenshot from GATE of Thunder, there. Nice one, Johnny. You stupid fatshit.
Now, it may be easy to miss, but check out the other bit of small text down there:
"We are also interested in your opinions and comments.
Please write to us at:
Johnny Turbo Comments
Turbo Technologies, Inc.
6701 Center Drive West, Suite 500
Los Angeles, CA 90045"
Hoh. Right. The mass of derision and profanity that this request generated could quite probably have been dense enough to open a hole in the space-time continuum. One can only wonder what kind of responses people sent in about our favorite tubby superhero. The fact that the comic completely changed direction in the next issue should be some indication. Knowing that the Johnny Turbo ad campaign was quietly killed after said issue was published should say even more. Guess the world just wasn't ready for Johnny Turbo. Neither was I. Neither was anyone.
And so, this concludes the second episode of The Johnny Turbo Chronicles. Stay tuned for the next episode sometime this year. Maybe. See ya.
Oh, and remember what I said about the next issue being a journey into homoeroticism? That's not an exaggeration. At all. Sleep well, Earth, for you will know true pain soon enough.
->On to Issue #3
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