So.
We're here.
Random picture time!
Yep. That's the only picture I took of Las Vegas' exterior, by the way. From this point on, the only pictures you're going to see are of drunkenness and debauchery. And of the CGE too, you know, but hey.
Anyway, we are here. Las Vegas. Wow.
Spinner and I point out our findings on the strip.
<Spinner_8> OOH, live
strip show!
<Sardius> OOH, Walgreens
is having a sale on Yu-Gi-Oh booster packs!
But mostly, we just look for the hotel where we're supposed to meet TheRedEye at. The Plaza. Okay. I don't see no Plaza round here noplace. Keep driving.
Well, okay, pull into this McDonald's and call TheRedEye if you want.
Spinner makes several futile attempts to get in touch with TheRedEye, and I look around.
One sign hails recent jackpot winners at a certain casino. Hey, some guy from the far-off land of "Arizonia" just won $1,000. Wow. What a shitty casino that must be.
Mmm, an ad for a foot-long hot dog. On a gigantic billboard. "Not actual size, but close!" Fuck you.
<Spinner_8> Okay, fuckit. Let's just go.
We continue to drive down the strip, looking for this Plaza. We don't find it. We reach the end of the strip, then we pull into a parking lot. Spinner once again tries his luck with my ass-sucking phone.
<Spinner_8> ...mister TheRedEye!
Ah, good.
TheRedEye apparently tells Spinner that we're nowhere close to the Plaza, but he'll come and meet up with us at - where are we? - oh, okay. He'll be on his way. But first he has to pick up a friend. Then he'll be on the way to get us. Just wait in the lobby or something until then.
All right, then.
Spinner pulls into the casino's parking lot...then immediately takes a wrong turn and is forced to exit the place. Okay, let's try this again.
All right. We're in. Park. Yes.
Ooooh kay.
...
So. I guess we go in those elevators over there and...hey, we're in. Neat. Too bad I'm so self-conscious over my sweat-soaked self because of that whole Hoover Dam incident, but what can you do. Anyway, let's find the lobby.
No, Spinner, the lobby's...Spinner? Spinner? Hello?
In our search for the lobby, we walk through a huge room filled with dozens of slot machines. Spinner immediately refused to acknowledge anything I said and began to sink money into the things.
I watched with amusement as he quickly lost all of his change, and then some. Ho ho. Seriously, let's find the lobby.
...okay, this looks like a lobby. We shall wait.
...
After a minute or so, Spinner starts to fidget and twitch. I try to talk him out of it, but...
<Spinner_8> Eh, we've
got plenty of time before TheRedEye shows up.
<Sardius> Come on! You
can gamble your life away later!
But he wouldn't listen. More slots. More going back and forth. More money lost. Big surprise. NOW can we go back to the lobby? Okay.
Spinner is still acting kind of nervous, though, so we end up walking around the place, all while keeping close to the lobby. This turns out to be a huge mistake. A really huge mistake.
See, we spot this big window, and head towards it. There's a large garden and waterfall viewable through the window. Ooh. That's actually really nice.
Spinner didn't drag me over there to see the waterfall, though. I, apparently, had missed the point entirely. He was more interested in the surrounding objects in the area. In front of that window, on a smooth tiled floor, were two large stone balls. Really, balls. Made of stone, or something similar. Two large, heavy, spheroids that were used for decoration. And Spinner, like a mischievous, horny child, immediately sets to fucking with them.
He rolls them around. Clacks them together. And the balls apparently contain some kind of magical property that allows them to right themselves and return to their original positions after they've been moved. Spinner, of course, is utterly enamored of this quality, and his playfulness only increased in intensity as this became apparent. Before I knew it, this giant, six-foot child had plopped himself on the ground and started to roll the balls around with increasing glee and strength.
<Spinner_8> they made a funny sound when you knocked them together ^_^
I knew this wouldn't be looked kindly upon by the casino's management, who were probably by now watching us closely through a security camera.
I knew it.
And I warned him. Oh, I warned him. But he wouldn't listen to me.
<Sardius> Man, the casino's
going to call security on us, I swear.
<Sardius> Come on! Stop
messing with their balls!
He wouldn't listen, though. All he would do was encourage me to join in his little game. I was worried. I knew he couldn't keep this up much longer before he got us in trouble. I looked over to the main entrance and saw a woman behind a desk talking on a phone. And I could swear that she was looking right at us before I looked at her. Fuck, man, PLEASE stop. PLEASE.
...well, hey, this does look like kind of fun. Ha ha, look at this little ball. That's cool how it goes back into place. Maybe you've got something there. Whee! This is
<???> What are you guys doing?
My heart stops.
Please don't let it be who I think it is.
...
I briefly look up, towards the voice. I see two badges. FUCK. FUCK no. This can't be happening...
I look away, in panic.
God, what do I do what do I do...
<Security_guard_1> (to
Spinner, in a scary, deep monotone) What's that you've got there?
<Spinner_8> I dunno.
It's cool, is what it is.
<Security_guard_1> Huh.
I do the only thing I can think of. I try to distance from the situation. I immediately set to intently staring out the window, at the waterfall. Gee that's a nice waterfall. Yep. Real nice. I tried to make it so my distance and body language indicated that I had nothing to do at all with that crazy ball-rolling man in the Crow t-shirt. I was just here staring out the window and that is what I am doing right now. No need to arrest me, no sir. In fact, you probably didn't even notice that I was doing anything. Ha ha, yes. I think I'm in the clear. Sorry, Spinner, but at least I'm probably not going to...
<Security_guard_1> (to
Sardius) Hey, how's it going?
<Sardius> (head quickly
twitches towards and away from guard) Oh, uh, hey.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm in for it now. What are they going to do with us? Think, man, think...well, maybe I can run? No, probably not. Hmm...
<Security_guard_2> (to
Sardius) Wow, you're really fascinated by that waterfall.
<Sardius> (weakly) Haha,
yeah, haha.
The guards go back to accosting Spinner while I stare out the window in silence, ignoring them all. I catch little bits and pieces of their conversation, but mostly, I'm fervently trying to think of a way out of the situation.
Well, wait. Surely they'll understand we're waiting for someone. They're probably just going to let us go. Ha! Silly me, here I was, practically in hysteria, thinking that I was going to be arrested or something. How ridiculous. Oh, I'm going to have a good laugh about this sometime after
<Security_guard_1> Well, I guess you guys are going to have to follow us.
...HAHDIDGU
<Spinner_8> Mmm. I was afraid of that.
DIDIGIBOO
...
...my mind momentarily ceases to function. No. This cannot be happening. I came all the way to Las Vegas, through all that insane, mind-warping bullshit we experienced, and it's going to end like this? We're going to be...what? Detained? Arrested? Thrown in prison for an indefinite period of time with no one to bail us out, and no one to care about it because we're just some stupid Texans and nobody will ever miss us? And all this because we were playing with your balls?
...
...no no no. I think I'm...I'm going to
Wait.
Wait a minute.
...
...wow.
I am truly retarded.
See, while I was about to...I dunno, feign a heart attack or something, I caught a glance - my first good look, actually - at the guards. Now, I had purposely ignored them to the best of my ability thus far, which meant that I didn't really see what they looked like. As my head pitched around, though, I saw that these guys didn't look much at all like security guards. That didn't strike me, though, as much as the feeling I got when I glanced at their faces.
You know, I thought to myself, Security Guard 1 looks awfully familiar. Where have I seen him before? Eh, I'm probably just imagining things in my prehypervenilative state or something. Back to the wheezing.
...wait.
...that's not a security guard's badge clipped to that guy's shirt. That's just some cheap plastic thing. What's it say?
...Frank CifalOH FOR FUCK'S SAKE I AM A TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT.
...
That badge was a CG Expo badge.
The wearer of the badge was named Frank Cifaldi.
Frank Cifaldi is TheRedEye.
This is TheRedEye. This guy.
The guy who I thought was a security guard about to arrest me and Spinner 8.
The guy who I've been rudely ignoring for the last five minutes.
...
See, you probably know some people who suck at first impressions. I, however, am the king of bad first impressions. This is but one of several utterly horrible first meetings I have had with people over the years. It's also probably my worst, out of all of them.
I stand there gaping at TheRedEye and his friend for awhile before I can think of what I can possibly say to make things better.
TheRedEye is talking to Spinner. I interrupt him in mid-sentence. Yeah, GREAT start, there.
* Sardius points at TheRedEye.
<Sardius> Holy shit.
<Sardius> I...I just
realized who you are.
<Sardius> Um, I, um,
see, I thought, like, you guys were security guards?
<Sardius> And, like,
you were here to arrest us?
<Sardius> ...because
Spinner was playing with his balls.
<Sardius> ...well, you
know, but yeah, sorry. Yeah.
TheRedEye and his friend look at me for a moment, then look at each other, then they look back at me, then they chuckle politely at my explanation, as if they are desperately trying to understand and appease the insane freak that they were now dreading having to spend an entire weekend with.
<TheRedEye> Yeah, okay.
Ohhh, God. This is bad. I've really fucked up here. I just fucked up my first meeting with TheRedEye. TheRedEye! The fucking man! And here I am ignoring him then scaring him shitless. Wonderful. Just wonderful.
Idiot!
I try to think of something - anything - to say to explain that no, I'm not completely insane, I'm just stupid. I can't think of anything. We begin to walk back to the parking lot. I hang my head in shame the whole way.
<TheRedEye> (to Spinner)
All right, what should I call you?
<Spinner_8> Spinner will
be fine.
<TheRedEye> Um, okay.
<TheRedEye> (to Sardius)
And you?
<Sardius> Oh. You can
just call me Shithead.
And he did. Deservedly so.