So.  With more embarrassment and torture behind us, we continue.

...

Mm.  Arizona's nice.

Kinda nice.

Mmhmm.

...

...oh, hey!  New Mexico!  Good to see ya, old buddy, old pal!

New Mexico actually looks much nicer in broad daylight than it does at dusk or night.  It's still just desert, though.  I mean, come on.  Hard to get excited about desert, you know.

<Sardius> Haha, that billboard.
<Sardius> THE THING!
<Sardius> Wonder what that is.

(two minutes pass)

<Sardius> ...and there it is again - that billboard. THE THING.
<Spinner_8> Nono, not THE THING.
<Spinner_8> It's THE THING?
<Spinner_8> With a question mark.
<Sardius> Ah, okay.
<Sardius> So it's...THE THING?
<Spinner_8> Yes.
<Spinner_8> THE THING?

Yep.  That's what the billboards said.  Nothing else, either, just THE THING? in large block letters on a yellow background, along with a single small sentence offering directions to THE THING?, as well as a Dairy Queen logo, of all fucking things.

<Sardius> Man, ANOTHER sign.
<Sardius> What is THE THING?

This went on for about an hour.  Every two or three minutes or so, we'd come across another sign advertising THE THING? alongside the road, each one identical to the last.  We were worried when the Dairy Queen logo mysteriously disappeared for a series of five signs or so halfway to THE THING?, but luckily - thankfully -  the sponsorship returned to the signs for the final stretch.

...

Now, I dunno what this THING? is, but it sure knows how to spark the curiosity in easily-amused idiots like me.  About ten miles away from the fabled person/place/THING?, I had acquired THE THING? fever.

<Sardius> Okay, we've got to see this THING? now.
<Spinner_8> No way.
<Sardius> Aw, come on.
<Spinner_8> No! It's just a time-wasting tourist trap. We've got to get back home.
<Sardius> But...but...I wanna see THE THING?

Eh, no big deal.  I can talk him into it.  My honed, complex methods of persuasion haven't failed me yet.

...

<Sardius> PLEASE
<Spinner_8> NO
<Sardius> PLEASE
<Spinner_8> NO
<Sardius> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
<Spinner_8> NO NO NO
<Sardius> COME ONNNNNN
<Spinner_8> NOOOOOO
<Sardius> ...fine.
<Sardius> Hmph!
<Sardius> ...
<Sardius> COME ON DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT THE THING? IS IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY I MUST KNOW AHHHHH
<Spinner_8> Christ, man, seriously! Calm down.
<Spinner_8> You know damn well that THE THING? isn't going to be anything great.
<Spinner_8> You'll just be disappointed, no matter what it is.
<Sardius> ...nah, I don't think so.
<Sardius> They've hyped it up so much, it HAS to be good.
<Spinner_8> Yeah, well, whatever it is, it's going to be stupid, and we're not going. The end.
<Sardius> Nonono...see, like, THE THING? could be anything!
<Sardius> You say it's something stupid, but what if it turned out to be something really awesome?
<Sardius> Then you'd be sorry you missed it!
<Spinner_8> Psh, THE THING? is probably...like, a rotten orange, set up on a pedestal, or something.
<Sardius> No! What if it's...what if it's...it's....
<Sardius> What if it's...
<Sardius> A bunch of midgets riding around on dogs!!!!
<Spinner_8> ...WHAT?
<Sardius> Yeah! That's probably what it is!
<Sardius> THE THING? is a midget circus!
<Sardius> Where they ride around on dogs!
<Sardius> ...and jump through flaming hoops!!!!
<Spinner_8> ...

Obviously, we had very different ideas about what THE THING? could be.

<Spinner_8> ...okay, first, it's not that. It can't be that. And it's not.
<Spinner_8> Second, we're not going.
<Spinner_8> That's it.
<Sardius> ...aw.

Spinner can be such a meanhead sometimes.

Seriously, though, think of things from my perspective here.  I had convinced myself by then that THE THING? was something truly great, but Spinner staunchly refused to take us there.  I pleaded with him as THE THING?'s exit approached, but he just sped past it, not even slowing down to consider it.

Meanhead.

...

Anyway.  Yadda yadda yadda...New Mexico, stupid shit, desert, talking, boring landscape, futuristic reststops...

<Sardius> Wow, that bathroom was awesome.
<Sardius> The sinks had motion detectors on them and shit.
<Spinner_8> They did?
<Spinner_8> ...oh, I mean, they did. Yes.
<Sardius> ...
<Sardius> Don't touch me.

Before we know it, though, we're back to the home state.  Texas!  Heeeeey, Texas!  T-E-X-A-S, Texas!  So glad to be back.  So very, very glad.

<Sardius> You know, all this - this whole trip - has really taught me to appreciate Texas.
<Sardius> I mean, Texas is fucking awesome.
<Sardius> New Mexico just DOESN'T EVEN COMPARE to Texas.
<Sardius> Our state rocks ass.

Indeed it does.  Texas is the most ass-rockingest state in the union.  And don't you forget it.  Bitch.

<Spinner_8> Heeey, El Paso.
<Spinner_8> Let's stop off at this mall. I bet El Paso malls kick ass.

Oh, sure, you won't stop for a potential midget circus, but you'll stop for a fucking mall.  That's just FINE, Spinner.

Okay, we're in.  Here's the map...

<Sardius> All right, where's the arcade?
<Sardius> There better be a fucking arcade.

None of the names on the directory seem to be likely arcade names, but this place called "Fun and Games" looks like a possible target.  But first off to KayBee, just for the hell of it.

<Spinner_8> Hey, GBC Dragon Warrior 3 for twenty bucks!
<Spinner_8> Dude, you should get it.
<Sardius> Hmm...
<Sardius> ...nah!
<Spinner_8> Man, fuck you.

And then we're off to Fun and Games.

...which turns out to be a very small - and very pink - store dedicated to toys for little girls.  Great.  Well, this sure was a waste of time.  Thanks, Spinner.

A few minutes more of mall-walking all but proved that the place sucked balls.  We tried to scan the storefronts for any sign of entertainment, but none was to be found.  Well, unless you're Spinner.

<Spinner_8> Hey, is it just me, or were those girls in that Gymboree window ad SUPER-HOT?
<Sardius> ...

Yeah, shut up and get back on the road.

As night falls, we begin to realize that we have almost completely exhausted our CD collection.  Jeff Beck, Dracula Battle Perfect Selection, and even Bruce Willis have all had a play.  And Soukaigi had been looped so many times, I lost count.  But we needed something else.  Something appropriate, if possible.

<Spinner_8> So, what next?
<Sardius> Let's see. It's dark, we're going to be driving for at least eight more hours, and things are going to start getting weird again any minute now.
<Sardius> I'm putting on Paris Combo.
<Sardius> Might as well, you know.

And with the French music again blaring, we began our second trip into post-midnight insanity.

...except this time, it was pretty neat.

Me and Spinner started talking while we depleted our reserve supply of Mountain Dew and Dr Pepper.  We discussed many things for the next several hours, ranging from the trivial to the deeply personal.  We discussed games, life, personal failures, and lost love, among other things.  And I'll tell you this: Spinner is infinitely more complex a person than he ever lets on.  A lot smarter, too.  Like, to a frightening extent.  I'd elaborate, except I have the feeling that most of the stuff he told me he wouldn't want other people to know about.  Which is a shame, because it really gives you a new perspective on the guy.  I swear, after that ride home, I had a newfound respect for Spinner, and I was all the more glad to have made his acquaintance.

<Spinner_8> So! Are you a virgin?
<Sardius> ...don't ask me that.

Well, sort of.

<Spinner_8> Hah. There's a story here, isn't there?
<Sardius> No, not really. Just forget it.
<Spinner_8> Okay.
<Spinner_8> ...
<Spinner_8> Ohhhh, I get it now. I get why you don't want to tell your virgin story.
<Spinner_8> It's because it's, like, a gay thing, right? And you're ashamed to share it. I understand.
<Sardius> ...
<Sardius> Look, it's not gay if you're the one doing the fucking, all right?
<Sardius> Jesus.

But for the most part, the next six hours of conversation with Spinner were very enlightening.  He even managed to slip in some good advice here and there, too.  How about that.

The gas gauge is dipping low, though, so we make our first stop - thus far in Texas - at a gas station.  I wait in the car, since it's now Spinner's job to pay for the gas.  I paid the entire way to Vegas, see, so...yeah.

However, as Spinner exits the gas station, I can see that he's holding something.

...

Whoa.

Wait a minute.

Could that be...yes, it is!  Spinner looks at me through the windshield, adopts a broad smile, and holds his new acquisition up with one hand while pointing at it with the other.  My jaw drops, and my eyes pop.  His quest is over.

He gets in the car.

<Sardius> Oh. Mah. GAWD.
<Sardius> You...you got your porno! Finally!
<Spinner_8> Yeah, I know! It's about fucking time!
<Spinner_8> Who knew I'd have to wait until we got back to Texas before I got some damn porn.
<Sardius> Wow...it's...well, I'm happy for you, man. Congratulations, and stuff.

He tears open the blacked-out bag and starts skimming through the magazine's pages.  Yep, them's are boobies all right.  I bet Spinner has never been happier to see them.  What a glorious victory this must be for him.

<Spinner_8> Ahhhh, yep, this is good.
<Spinner_8> Okay, let's go.
<Spinner_8> ...uh, here, you can check it out if you want.
<Spinner_8> Just don't whip your dick out or anything.
<Sardius> Well, if you say so. But thanks.
<Sardius> Man, I'm so proud to live in a state where you can actually get porn at gas stations.
<Sardius> God bless Texas!

So, rejuvenated by the taste of victory, we start down the final few hundred miles home.  More deep conversation is shared.

<Spinner_8> You know, you need to finish Johnny Turbo. Badly.
<Sardius> I know, I know.
<Sardius> I need to update it with all the stuff I found out about the real Jonathan Brandstetter.
<Spinner_8> ...what the fuck, you mean there's a real Johnny Turbo?!
<Sardius> Yeah! And he still works in the game industry!
<Sardius> And like, some of his former employees have been emailing me and telling me this embarrassing personal shit about him.
<Spinner_8> Oh my God. That's...incredible!
<Sardius> It's good stuff, too. Like, the real Johnny Turbo does this weird titter when he's excited.
<Sardius> Just try to envision that. It's fucking great.
<Spinner_8> Titter?
<Sardius> Yeah, like a little girlish laugh.
<Spinner_8> Oh, like..."heeheeheehee!"
<Sardius> Yep, exactly.

<Sardius> ...that was a little too good, actually.
<Sardius> Maybe I should just call you Johnny Turbo from now on.
<Spinner_8> ...
<Spinner_8> That hurt, man.
<Sardius> ...yeah. Sorry. That was kinda brutal, wasn't it?
<Spinner_8> It sure fucking was. Jeez.

<Spinner_8> ...but if I'm Johnny, then that must mean that you're Tony!
<Sardius> Ouch.
<Sardius> But...ewww, do you even know what that implies? Like, between you and me?
<Spinner_8> Yeah. On your knees, bitch.

I'm sure we eat somewhere around this point, but I'll be damned if I can remember where or when.  We do stop off at a McDonald's at some point, though, for the express purpose of getting us some McHotdogs.  Unfortunately, that particular restaurant didn't serve them.  Spinner, however, was lucky enough to catch sight of a guy washing his hair in the bathroom sink, which probably made the excursion worthwhile in itself.

Let's see, what else is worth nothing here...oh yeah:

<Spinner_8> Okay, so like, I'm translating this game right now.
<Spinner_8> Called Mo Ero Yakyuuken...ever heard of it?
<Sardius> Um...nope.
<Spinner_8> It's for the Famicom Disk System.
<Spinner_8> And it's almost done, but there's just some text that I can't find. It's driving me nuts.
<Spinner_8> You wanna beta test?
<Sardius> Sure.
<Spinner_8> All right, remind me to send it to you when we get back.

And that's how I got the job as beta tester for an 8-bit hentai game - through a real-life discussion whose origins I can't remember.  Scary stuff, I know.

...so anyway, we then magically teleport to San Antonio!  Hooray!  Back in the old hometown!  Good to be

* Spinner_8 slams on the brakes.
<Spinner_8> No, no, no...FUCK.
<Spinner_8> FUCK FUCK FUCK.
<Spinner_8> God, I hope he didn't see us...
<Sardius> Who? See us what?
* Cop turns on the rollers.
<Sardius> ...oh.
<Spinner_8> FUCK.

Mmm, not good.

...damn, you know, it fucking figures that we'd travel halfway across the US and back without getting pulled over once, but right as we hit San Antonio on the return trip, BAM, fucking speed trap.  Fuck you, San Antonio.  Lousy stinktown.

So here we are, at like five in the morning now, pulling over to the side of the road and being ticketed.  Just wonderful.  Spinner probably loves my hometown so much right now.

<Spinner_8> Okay, okay. Crap. Where's my registration.
* Spinner fishes around in the back and pulls up the porno mag.
<Spinner_8> Uhmm...here! Hold this.
* Spinner tosses the porn into Sardius' lap.
<Sardius> Whoa, hey, what the...!
<Cop> Good morning, gentlemen.
<Spinner_8> Ah...good morning. Hi.
<Cop> Seems like you were going 85 in a 60 mile-per-hour speed zone.

(We were actually going much, much faster than that, but it's not like we're going to correct the man.)

<Cop> License and registration, please.
<Spinner_8> Okay, here's my license...and I've got my registration here somewhere, I just have to dig for it.
<Cop> Okay. I'll give you a few minutes.

The cop then heads back to his car to check over Spinner's license, and we resume the search for Spinner's registration.  And after moving around all the crap in the backseat for a few nervous minutes, we find it.  Whew.  So we hand the stuff to the cop, and he heads back to his copmobile to inspect it.

<Spinner_8> Man.
<Spinner_8> First offense. Can you believe it?
<Sardius> ...actually, no. I can't.

So a few questions and a bright flashlight being shined in my face later, the ordeal was over.  In the end, the cop was nice enough to let Spinner off with...a bigass ticket.  Eheh.  Nice one, guy.

<Cop> Have a nice day.
* Cop gets back in his car and drives away.
...
<Sardius> ...well, at least he was nice about the whole thing.
<Spinner_8> Hah. Yeah.
<Spinner_8> Worse things have happened to better people.

And so, that was that.

<Sardius> Thanks for tossing me the porn right in front of the cop, by the way.
<Sardius> Though I guess I'm glad he didn't notice my big bootleg CD collection under my feet.
<Spinner_8> Oh yeah. He'd have busted us for sure if he saw those things.

The rest of the ride home was pretty uneventful.  We end up pulling into the driveway at almost 5 AM.  We are tired.  We sleep.

->On to Part 19
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