Part 1: The Meeting

Wednesday, August 7, 2002. ~7:00 PM

So, this is it.  I'm going to be meeting Spinner 8 for the first time.  What will I do?  What will I say?  How should I react to his mere presence?  These questions are put aside as I make one last, largely unsuccessful attempt to make my house seem a little less messy than it is.  I start to ponder these things anew as I sit down, drink some water, watch TV, and eat some generic Dollar Store cookies.  But before I can at least calm myself down in preparation for our meeting, the knock comes.

SHIT.

Okay, okay, okay.  Calmness, man.  Maybe this isn't Spinner after all.  Maybe it's just some girl scout or neighbor kid that you can just punch away or something.

Or not.  Looking out the window, I see a car parked with much certainty in front of my house.  Fuuuuuck.  What do I do now?

Well, I could answer the door, I guess.

And there he is.  I'd insert a picture here, but certain issues prevent me from doing so.  I'll get to that later, though.  Standing behind the screen door, in a red They Might Be Giants t-shirt, was the legendary Spinner 8 in all his glory.  Now, I'm not quite sure what I thought it was that he'd look like, but I'm fairly sure that my expectations were completely inaccurate.  I had convinced myself that he was black, for one thing.  Don't ask why.  I didn't expect him to be over six feet tall, either.  But I eventually came to accept the fact that the not-quite-black giant standing in my doorway was, in fact, THE Spinner 8.  Welcome, man.  Have any trouble finding the place?  Good to hear.  So...like, um, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Want something to drink?

All right, so it's not that bad.  We chit-chat for awhile, I tell him about my scare earlier that morning...

(Which involved me sleepily answering a phone call from the place where I had reserved an apartment earlier that week and finding out that - surprise! - I lost the apartment!  A ha!  Okay!  So, that just about ruins all of my plans for going to college and, you know, continuing to live and all.  Great!  Through some persistence and a little luck, though, this crushing blow was eventually turned around and resolved.  Whew.  For awhile there, I was making some pretty morbid plans, let me tell you.  Anyway.)

...we banter back and forth, he makes fun of my obsessive and terrible game collection, etc. etc. etc.  So.

<Spinner_8> Are we, like, waiting for something?

...no, I just thought that sitting around and rambling about random things is what YOU wanted to do.  Got anything else in mind?

<Spinner_8> Well, yeah. I kinda wanted to see your mad Beatmania skillz.

Gladly!  So do you want to just head out to that mall right now...or?  Oh, okay.  Let me get a map here, and we're off.

Okay, we're off.  Spinner's in a strange town, with no idea of where anything is, yet he quickly finds out that he still has a better chance of finding anything than I do.  See, even though I've lived in San Antonio for all my life, my terrible sense of direction and general retardedness prevent me from finding my way to or from anywhere outside of a one-mile radius extending from my house.  As pathetic as that sounds, Spinner discovers the depths of my patheticness soon enough.

<Spinner_8> So you've never been anywhere outside of Texas? I don't believe it.
<Sardius> Believe it. I'm just THAT big of a loser. The furthest I've been outside of San Antonio, in my entire life, is Corpus Christi.
<Spinner_8> That's...just sad. Don't you ever go places on family vacations or something?
<Sardius> Yeah, to Corpus Christi!
<Spinner_8> God.

So, some time later, we find the mall where me and The Girl went to not so long ago.  We discuss The Girl a bit, too, but not so much now as we do later.  I also find out that a conversation with Spinner 8 is almost exactly like any given chat session in IRC - you can almost hear the line breaks, I swear.  Not that this is a bad thing, mind; it actually suits my random, rambling style perfectly, so we yammer on with each other for quite awhile on many different subjects.

What took some adjusting to - for me, anyway - was the verbal discussion of internet-related things.  I mean, I'm not used to vocalizing about emulation and all such related things with real people, see.  It just seemed a little bizarre to be actually talking with someone about Zophar's Domain, for example, but it all seemed natural enough after awhile.

Speaking of which, here's random fact #1 about Spinner 8: he's banned from the message boards at Zophar's!  Shock!  Later on, I'll find out about his criminal record.  But anyway, the mall.  We arrive.  We head for the arcade.  And there it is.

Ah, finally found a picture of 5th Style. Thank you, system16.com.

Ah, IIDX.  How I love thee.  I buy $10 worth of credit at the arcade - about $9 of which ends up wasted, by the way (you'll see why in a second) - and I set to showing Spinner my Beatmania skillz.  He is (or maybe pretends to be, I dunno) duly impressed.  Therefore, the trip is a success.  The point is made, and time is killed.  Hooray!

Then, tragedy strikes.

Yeah, it was a 2nd Mix. And it did actually look this gay.

I point out the ParaPara Paradise machine behind IIDX.  Big mistake.  Spinner had recently read about my singular previous exploit on the machine, and he insists that I give it another try, so he can see for himself just how big of a homo I can be.

<Spinner_8> C'mon, man, you know you want to.
<Sardius> But...but, there's PEOPLE here!
<Spinner_8> They're not watching. Just do it.
<Sardius> Um.

Eventually, he talks me into it.  Wait, he *goads* me into it.  He's good at the goading thing, see.  But first, while I wait for my turn, we see a real Para Paraist (or whatever) do her thing on the machine.  She's a teenage girl.  Wearing short shorts.  Doing Para Para routines that involve lots of bending over, droolfully enough.  As Spinner 8 later describes the scene:

<Spinner_8> That's, like, the most erotic game I've ever seen.
<Spinner_8> Remember that one girl? I'm getting a hard-on all over again, just thinking about her.

Yeah, thanks for sharing.  Anyway, the girl's turn is, most unfortunately, over.  So it's my turn.  Uh.  I dunno if I wanna go through with this anymore.  Spinner...?

* Spinner_8 brutally goads Sardius into trying out the homosexual dancing game.

Oh, all right.  Just this once, though!  And I'm not very good at it, so don't laugh.  Okay.  Here we go.

It's not so bad at first.  I pick an easy song, I wave my hands around like a fairy, and Spinner 8 develops this delightfully bemused look on his face.  Hey, give me a break here!  Jeez.  Okay, so second song.  Night of Fire, which I recognize from IIDX 6th Style.  Okay.  The game says that it's a hard song, which is good, because maybe I'll fail it and won't have to play anymore.  So, here we go.

Almost immediately, I find that my hand-waving abilities just aren't up to snuff.  I'm missing tons of cues.  So here I am, flailing around, and apparently not in a good way.  Oh well.

About halfway through the song, the abject humiliation starts.

* Random_crazed_Mexican_girl jumps up on Para Para stage in front of Sardius, blocking the screen.
<Random_crazed_Mexican_girl> HEY YOU WANNA DANCE
* Random_crazed_Mexican_girl repeatedly slams herself into Sardius' crotch. No, really.
<Sardius> DUDE WHAT THE FUCK (not paraphrased)

Oh God.  This is all while about five of her friends looked on, by the way.  They laughed.  A lot.

<Random_crazed_Mexican_girl> SO YOU COME HERE A LOT
<Sardius> I...NO. FUCK. THE ONLY REASON I'M PLAYING THIS FUCKING GAME IS BECAUSE OF THIS FUCKER RIGHT HERE
* Sardius points an accusing finger at Spinner_8, who is doing his damnedest to maintain his composure.
<Sardius> FUCK THIS, I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN
* Sardius steps off the stage.
<Random_crazed_Mexican_girl> Aw.

Jesus, can this get any worse?

<Random_not_crazed_Mexican_guy> Here, let me show you how to do it.
* Random_not_crazed_Mexican_guy busts a totally-not-gay move on the Para Para machine.
<Random_not_crazed_Mexican_guy> See?

Well, shit.  Um.  Say, Spinner, I think I've had enough embarrassment and humiliation for one night.  And that crazy girl is still staring at me.  Can we, like, run away from here now?  Thanks for making me go through the most embarrassing moment of my life, though.  That sure was fun.

<Spinner_8> ...make sure to note that that non-psycho mexican guy was not part of that little group. Man, that guy was cool.
<Sardius> Okay.  And by the way, fuck you.

So we walk out of the mall, back towards Spinner's car.

<Spinner_8> See, now that guy managed to not look gay.
<Sardius> So you're saying that *I* looked gay up there?
<Spinner_8> Well, yeah.
<Sardius> ...my balls hurt.

Really, they did.  That girl was really getting into whatever it was that she was doing.

<Sardius> You and your goading.

So.  It's around 9 PM at this point, and we decide to go looking for something to eat.  We drive around the mall's encompassing shopping center, finding that there are very, very few restaurants around the place, much less any that are still open.  At the very end of the strip, though, Spinner spots a place.

<Spinner_8> Dude, Chinese buffet.

Ah, excellent.  The place is called "Fortune Cookie," as it turns out.  Go for it, man.  I'm hungry.

So we walk into the place, the waitress spouts off about a minute's worth of complete unintelligibility,

<Sardius> (through teeth) -what did she just say?-
<Spinner_8> SHH.

and we're seated.  Drinks are served - I'd elaborate if I could remember what was served or whether I was allowed to tell a story that occurred later on, but since neither is the case, I won't - and we're off to the buffet.

Wow, lots of stuff here.  I'll have some of these fried things, and this chicken-looking stuff, some mystery noodles, and...

<Spinner_8> THEY HAVE MCNUGGETS HERE

What?

<Spinner_8> THERE - LOOK. MCNUGGETS.

Oh my God.  They sure do look like McNuggets, don't they?  And...holy shit, they taste like McNuggets, too!

Whooooaaaaa.

Words cannot properly describe the amazement we felt at this point.  Here we were, at a Chinese Buffet, eating McDonald's Chicken McNuggets.  Stay with me here - we were eating McNuggets at some place that was NOT McDonald's!  I mean, why?  How?  Huh?  This is just...yeah!  Man!  MCNUGGETS!  AT A FUCKING CHINESE BUFFET!  SWEET LORD!

I still don't know why they were serving McNuggets at this place.  Like, did they steal the recipe from McDonald's and make them themselves, or, like, did they hire someone to take a trip to McDonald's and import a couple hundred McNuggets for their restaurant on a daily basis?  The latter explanation sounds the most plausible, but WHY?  The world may never know.  Maybe I'll go back to the place and ask sometime.  This is really quite a conundrum, here, and it bothers me greatly.

Anyway, the food - all of it - is simply delicious.  I enjoyed every bit of my various artery-clogging fried meats.  Spinner, though, made the mistake of picking up some supremely tough ribs at one point, which led to me living through the privilege of watching him chew a mouthful of nigh-inedible meat for ten fucking minutes.  That's not an exaggeration, by the way.  I thought he was just doing it to screw with me after the first few minutes, but he assured me that he was not fucking around, and was in fact in the midst of a colossal battle between his jaws and the world's worst ribs.  I watched in uncomfortable fascination as minutes passed, and the chewing continued.  Finally, as his incessant masticating was about to make me want to stick my head in the restaurant's overused deep fryer, a swig of soda finally vanquished the great meaty beast, allowing for it to be swallowed with some difficulty.

Then he took another bite.  Jesus, man, just give it up.  There is better food to be eaten, and your war with those ribs has lasted until closing time.  Let's go already.

So we head towards the door, heralded by a chorus of "goodbye"s from the wait staff, until Spinner reminds them that we haven't paid yet.  Yeah, good one.  At least we get some fortune cookies as consolation.

We open our cookies in the parking lot.  Both of them say:

I found this thing on the floor by pure chance several months after CGE. HOW SUSPICIOUS.

The omen is lost on Spinner 8, who only realizes the weight of the - I remind you, identical - statements after I point it out to him.  You'd do well to listen to the cookies, dude.  They know.  Spinner dismisses the whole thing, but I hail it with the proper amount of respect.  This is why he lost so much more money in Vegas than I did.  It's the cookies.  He didn't listen to the cookies.  The dummy.

And did I mention that we got a third fortune cookie, which - when we opened it later - ended up saying something completely different?  DUN DUN DUUUUNNNN.

Soooo...we head back to my place.  My brother is there.  Now, I had warned Spinner about my brother before we arrived.

<Sardius> See, he thinks that internet people are, like, celebrities or something, so he kind of idolizes you.
<Spinner_8> Um.
<Sardius> So you're just kind of going to have to live with his adulation for the night, I guess.
<Spinner_8> I've got a better idea - let's sleep in the car.
<Spinner_8> Better yet, forget your stuff that you packed, and let's leave for Vegas right now.

But as it turned out, after the initial shock wore off,

<Drakee> Whoa, it's Spinner 8.

we actually spent a pretty good night together.  I monopolized the evening by playing through the then just-released Mega Man 2: The Power Fighters romset a few times

<Spinner_8> ROLL. SAVE ROLL.

<Sardius> Check it out, he has an AURA. // <Spinner_8> ...

and then we did some other stuff.  Well, mostly we just played games, but first, I let Spinner 8 pick through my music CDs and veto any that he wouldn't be able to bear listening to during the trip.

---

<Spinner_8> This is the best CD cover EVER.
<Sardius> Which one?
<Spinner_8> This one. Blind Faith.

<hoimin> that blind faith album cover is disturbing. // <Sardius> Well, Spinner liked it. // <hoimin> somehow, that doesn't suprise me.

<Spinner_8> I mean...just, wow.
<Spinner_8> And she's a redhead!
<Spinner_8> I can't stop staring at this thing.
<Sardius> Drakee, take that away from him.
* Drakee snatches away Spinner's nude preteen redhead picture
<Spinner_8> MAN

---

I can't believe my brother actually bought this thing. Willingly. And he enjoyed listening to it. Repeatedly.

* Spinner_8 looks at Sardius with complete disgust.
<Sardius> Just kidding.

---

Edgar Winter rules. The lot of you can just go to hell.

<Spinner_8> Ew, Edgar Winter...we can leave that here.
<Sardius> Hey, hey, HEY.

---

I still don't know why he rejected all of my stuff by The Who, though.  Bastard.  Anyway, after that, we played random games in my MAME collection until 2 AM.  Fun.  Spinner 8 got to see and play R-Type Leo for the first time, and I managed to damage his unconditional love for Trog by showing him the shitty and completely different prototype version.  Then I played through Moonwalker in its entirety,

<Sardius> I'm totally not kidding - this is one of the best games ever made.  Seriously.

and we were all suitably amused.  Or disgusted, whatever.  More screwing around then ensued, including a bout with DWI, for whatever reason.

Shaddap, you. Recurring theme coming through.

<Spinner_8> Dude!  Lupin!

Then it all went downhill, as me and Drakee exposed Spinner 8 to some of the worst arcade games ever made.

Survival Arts

<Spinner_8> Christ, I didn't think the Japanese even KNEW about Mortal Kombat, much less tried to clone it. I mean, damn.

Judge Dredd

<Spinner_8> ROUSes?

Journey

<Spinner_8> Why are we playing this?

and Britney's Dance Beat.

<Spinner_8> ...this is the shittiest game I've ever seen.

Yeah, so near the end, our torture of poor Spinner 8 became so sadistic that we started playing random Game Boy Advance roms.  I'm sorry we had to do that to you, man.  Really.  Even I have to admit that Mortal Kombat Advance was just taking it a little too far.

<Spinner_8> ...what the HELL?

After the night's torture was over, we went to bed, and Spinner 8 undoubtedly suffered from Britney-induced nightmares involving depressing Super Nintendo-esque synthesized violins and sparse, two-second voice samples.

I could hardly sleep myself, what with the night's horrible, horrible excitement and the frequent flashbacks to the whole Para Para ordeal,

<Spinner_8> Just let it go, man.
<Sardius> I CAN'T. OH GOD THE THRUSTING

but after about an hour and a half of tortured thoughts, I was finally able to fall asleep.  At around 4 AM.  That can't be good.

->On to Part 2
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