Man, if I had any idea...
Okay, for the uninitiated, Sachen is a Taiwanese company (technically) that makes unlicensed games for the NES, among other systems. Though, actually...well, let me just paraphrase one of Red's theories here, for conciseness:
<TheRedEye> See, I have
this theory.
<TheRedEye> That Sachen
is just this one guy - in his apartment somewhere in Taiwan - who makes
games as people order them.
...which is almost entirely plausible, considering the games' quality and bizarre, varied (sometimes lack of) rarity in certain parts of the world.
But it's so much more than that.
There's the games themselves. Those fucking Sachen games. See, Sachen makes games that range in quality from kinda okay to oh holy LORD can a game really be this horrible and can I stand to continue living in a world where this game exists no I cannot *blam*. Believe me when I say that Sachen games have brought ruin to many people's lives. Red claims that he once introduced a certain longtime friend of his to Sachen games, just for laughs. She left the state almost immediately afterwards. Red himself hasn't fared much better. Ever since he's started up the wonderful and hopefully one day more complete Project: Sachen, he's turned into a different man. A broken man. He was once a cheerful, energetic guy who pleased all with his varied antics. Now, however, Sachen's grasp has turned him into a sullen, bitter individual who can be often found drunkenly rambling about his ever-present Taiwanese tormentor on IRC.
<TheRedEye> fuck my
sachen up the taiwan ass
* TheRedEye drinks more
Truly, one cannot underestimate the power of the Sachen.
Anyway.
A year or so ago, Red got the idea in his foolish yet dedicated head that he needed to buy up Sachen's entire library of games from the company (?) themselves, for the purposes of dumping, preserving, and eventually publicly ridiculing every single one of their titles. However - and I don't know the details all that well, so forgive me for any inaccuracy here - Sachen, in typical horrible monster fashion, refused to sell anything to Red unless he ordered in quantity.
Just imagine that. Having to buy and pay for dozens of the shittiest games ever made.
But you know what? That's exactly what our pal TheRedEye did. He gave in to Sachen's demands and placed a huge and doubtlessly expensive bulk order for enough Sachen games to cause and fuel their own kind of horrible apocalypse with. Why? Because he's just that awesome, that's why. So this explains why he had a hefty fuckload of them for sale at the Classic Gaming Expo - he desperately wanted to get rid of his extras. As anyone would.
Having access to every game in Sachen's library has given TheRedEye an immense amount of knowledge, along with a few mostly useless superpowers that he's ashamed to admit that he has, nevermind use. So here I am, in a Las Vegas hotel room, about to play some Sachen games, with likely the world's only Sachen expert/superhero.
Let's rock this bitch's face, yo.
<Sardius> So, Jurassic
Boy.
<TheRedEye> All right,
if you insist.
<TheRedEye> But check
it out, this game has the best intro ever.
<TheRedEye> Seriously.
<Sardius> Oh yeah, that's
where I heard about it before...
<Sardius> Like, someone
on the board or somewhere talked about the intro and all.
<TheRedEye> Yeah, yeah,
just watch.
And I did.
...
And he's right, you know. Jurassic Boy truly has the best intro ever. Oh how we laughed. Such laughter. We made with the laughing quite well. Quite well indeed.
I'd elaborate, but I don't want to spoil anything. See, a certain Blackjax (of System Failure fame) has laid claim to Jurassic Boy for a future Project: Sachen review. And if Mr. Jax has the slightest bit of reviewer instinct in him, he'll likely describe the greatness of Jurassic Boy's epic introduction in full. So I'm afraid you'll have to wait until his review is done before you can see - nay, experience - the best video game intro the world has ever known.
<Sardius> Yeah, fuck that
FMV shit we have nowadays.
<Sardius> This beats
it all. Easily.
Once the intro was done, the title screen remained onscreen. For our roasting pleasure.
"Look at 'im. What's he doing?"
"He's winking. At you."
"Jesus that's creepy."
"He looks angry, too. Like, irritated, actually."
"Yeah, see, he's asking for money - that's the 'gimme gimme' gesture,
there."
"More like demanding money. Check out that angry smirk
on his face."
"Haha, yeah. 'GIMME MAH MONEY, HO' *pow*"
"Jurassic Boy is such a pimp."
"I dunno, it kinda looks like to me that he's lining up a shot with
his thumb, like, for a painting."
"Except if he's doing that, he's winking the wrong eye.
The fucking idiot."
"Nono, see, he's using his horn to line things up."
"Ohhh, okay. It all makes sense now."
"Actually, no it doesn't. Not at all."
Unfortunately for us all, the title screen was the most entertaining part of the game. Jurassic Boy turned out to be so very much less than shit (if I may so borrow a recently-absorbed phrase). Want to know what it's like? Well, basically, you take Sonic the Hedgehog, only you remove the bright, colorful graphics, replace the bouncy soundtrack with the most irritating screeching noises ever, and then make it slow, choppy, and unplayable. That's Jurassic Boy.
Oh, sure, it had its moments.
 |
 |
 |
But mostly, it was generally agreed that Jurassic Boy was the worst piece of garbage any of us had ever played.
* Player_2 collects 100 coins
(Jurassic Boy's equivalent of Sonic's rings)
<Player_2> Fuck yeah,
extra life!
<Sardius> Yeah, but check
it out, you just screwed yourself.
<Sardius> You collected
exactly 100 coins, right? But look at the coin counter - it rolled over.
It says you have zero coins now.
* Almost immediately, as
if on cue, Billy runs into a monster and dies, due to his supposed lack
of coins. The level starts over.
<Player_2> FUCK. THAT.
NOISE.
And, if you'll believe it, the game at one point almost got me killed.
<TheRedEye> I have
to admit something
<TheRedEye> that music
almost made me kill you, Sardius
<TheRedEye> along
with everyone else
<SardStuff> Really.
<SardStuff> Well,
I can see that.
<TheRedEye> I came
very close to snapping.
Yes, the music. Oh, the music. Jurassic Boy's musical score has the unique trait of starting off semi-competently, but after the first level, the "music" gets homicidally bad. In later levels, actually, it starts to sound like a bad parody of music, or perhaps an experiment to see how far one can stretch the limits of the definition of the word "music," while simultaneously testing the sanity of anyone within proximity.
<TheRedEye> See, I have
this theory.
<TheRedEye> I personally
think that Jurassic Boy's music was just, like, random code that some Sachen
programmer typed in one day.
<TheRedEye> Then they
just decided for whatever reason to see how it would sound as music.
<TheRedEye> And decided,
'hey, this ain't so bad!'
I'd believe it, man. I'd believe it.
I can't wait until the rom is released, so all you poor unsuspecting saps can hear just how horrible the music is. Though to be fair, it's not so bad for most of the game, since you mostly just hold right on the directional pad and occasionally press the jump button; it just becomes kind of numbing after awhile. However, when you're presented with situations like this one:
...where shitty play control, jerky movement, bad level design, terrible collision detection, and a blind jump over a bunch of inescapably deadly spikes using a shaky moving platform that isn't programmed correctly are all conspiring against you, the last thing you need is a bunch of random high-pitched screeching noises assaulting your ears.
Honestly, I would've forgiven Red if he had killed us all. I'd have been thankful, too, since he would've put us all out of the misery that we experienced by playing through Jurassic Boy.
Yes, you read that right. We as a group - me, Red, Spinner, and mostly Billy for the later levels when the rest of us were too disgusted to continue - FINISHED JURASSIC BOY. On a TV. That's right. No savestates. No retries. Nothing to ease or remedy the pain brought on by multiple cheap deaths over spiked pits and having to start over at the beginning of the level every time. We finished fucking Jurassic Boy as it was meant to be finished. Bitch.
...wait, actually, it probably was never meant to be finished, judging by the ending. Again, I won't spoil anything here for Blackjax's sake, but all you need to know is that Jurassic Boy's ending is just the biggest bunch of bullshit ever.
<Sardius> What the FUCK?
You...you finished it! I don't believe it!
* The group watches the
ending.
<TheRedEye> Haha, look,
it's...
<TheRedEye> ...oh.
<TheRedEye> Um.
<Sardius> ...uh.
<Spinner_8> ...what the
hell?
<Player_2> THIS IS BULLSHIT
Once you get to see that ending for yourself, please keep us in mind. Just remember that we saw that shit - earned the RIGHT to see that shit - on a real TV. Which made it so, so much worse than if we had been playing through on an emulator. Pity us. Please.
So, after consoling ourselves by resetting the game and watching the intro again, we bid a bitter, spiteful farewell to Jurassic Boy and moved on to Pyramid 2.
<TheRedEye> You need to
see the intro on this one, too.
<TheRedEye> It's great.
Pyramid is apparently about a warrior sent from God to fight the devil.
<Sardius> Oh, well, of
course. Just like I always thought.
Oh, hey. Guess who's in charge of reviewing Pyramid II for Project: Sachen? That's right. ME. Yep. I don't know what I was thinking in signing up for the project, and I don't know what evil can come from it, but all I know is that I'm scared. Oh, my precious sanity. How I will miss you.
Lucky for you, though, my slow descent into grey-area Taiwanese hell means that I can spoil the game all I damn well want. Observe:
And who is this mystic, ethereal warrior that the text shakily speaks of?
Right. Exactly. You can imagine how we all reacted to this revelation. No transcription should be necessary.
Anyway, we started the game.
Of course, I wanted to try out the new and surely orgasmic two-player mode. And seeing as how Red and Spinner didn't want anything to do with games after the Jurassic Boy debacle, it was quickly decided that I would be Player 1 and Player 2 would be...uh, Player 2.
So.
Yep.
This is Pyramid, all right. Mmhmm.
Except, see, it's two-player!
...sure it's just two players playing at the same time without any additions or any competition whatsoever, but hey! It's Pyramid II. And it's two-player, in case you didn't know already.
* Sardius uses a bomb to
clear away some pieces
<Player_2> Waitwait...how
the fuck did you do that?
<Sardius> ...ha.
<Sardius> If you think
I'm going to tell you, then you obviously don't know how big of an asshole
I can be.
<Player_2> ...
<Sardius> ...
<Sardius> Oh all right,
so you press up and B.
<Sardius> Dammit.
But wait, there's something new to distinguish this game from the near-identical
original! Pyramid II actually introduces two new items that you can
use to clear away blocks with!
 |
 |
They also both totally suck balls!
And Red was right. The dreaded bastard diamond piece was nowhere to be seen.
...until level 2.
Dammit. All of a sudden I hate this game again.
Well, actually, all things considered, it's not all that bad. I mean, it's playable at least. That's more than you can say for most of Sachen's library. And not only that, but it's possible to get good at it, somewhat. It can even be considered - dare I say - addicting? Well, almost. But still, good effort, Sachen. You get a gold star. And your new redundant piece of software is going up right here on the fridge - right next to your drawing of a horsey! Of course I'm proud!
...and naturally, the game started to eat away at our sanity after awhile. The music in Pyramid II was of typical Sachen quality, which is to say that it starts to grate almost immediately. However, it's not so random as to cause homicidal tendencies, as was the case with Jurassic Boy, so...yes, that's good. It's always good not to be killed over a game's music, in my opinion.
It did begin to affect our sanity after awhile, though. Hence the lyrics that Red made up for the level 1 theme.
<TheRedEye> I'm a little
tea-pot, shoooort and stout.
<TheRedEye> Heeeere's
my handle, heeeere's my spout.
<TheRedEye> When I get
all steamed-up, heeeear me shout.
<TheRedEye> TIP.
ME OVER, AND POUR. ME OUT.
The anger and emotion he put into it was quite impressive, actually. Scary, too.
Me and Billy played on. And after level 2's music looped for the twentieth time or so...
<Sardius> Dude.
<Sardius> That's 'Oh
Susanna'. Seriously. Listen to it.
<TheRedEye> Shit, you're
right.
After the thirtieth loop, we had already made up a full set of lyrics for the chorus.
<TheRedEye> Oh, Susanna!
<TheRedEye> ...hey, how
ya doin'...
<TheRedEye> The weapons
are o-ver therrreeee...
<TheRedEye> So...um,
go outside, and go to the store...
<Sardius> 'cause Santa
Claus is comin' to-niiiiight!
As it turns out, nearly all of Pyramid II's music is ripped off of turn-of-the-century American folk tunes. For whatever inexplicable reason. However, Billy and I weren't good enough to get past the second level, so we had to make do with a third-rate rendition of Oh Susanna for the entire game.
In all, Billy and I played Pyramid II for nearly an hour.
...
Yes, really.
Competition was fierce, let me tell you. Billy was a more than worthy adversary, but my inherent SKILLZ at subpar puzzle games were just a little bit too much for him to handle. After about 45 minutes, his stack reached the top of the screen, and his game was over. I continued on for a few minutes afterward, until my stack reached the top as well. But man, I never would've thought that I'd find a good opponent to play Pyramid II with. Hell, I never even knew that a two-player Pyramid even existed before this night.
And it's a given that I'm never, ever going to be able to play Pyramid II's two-player mode ever again. Nobody I know is ever going to go for it, ever. So Billy, thanks for giving me the once-in-a-lifetime privilege of playing Pyramid II with another player. It's very embarrassing to think about, sure, but dammit, it's...something, but I'm not sure what. But still, thanks.
It was quite the experience, though. I swear, I was laughing so hard at one point that I had tears brimming at the corners of my eyes. The combination of Red's insane lyrics and Billy's random exclamations was honestly one of the funniest things I've ever been fortunate enough to be a part of. Wonderful stuff, folks. And all you readers missed it. Ha fucking ha.
I haven't even mentioned the best part yet, either. After my game ended, and after we stared at the title screen for awhile, Billy went to the game's option screen.
Inspiration then struck.
I wish I could duplicate what resulted here, but I can't. Using the game's sound test, Billy extemporaneously created what I can only refer to as "Li'l T-Pot: Phat Beat Mix". Laying down the original track as background, Billy proceeded to use his keen sense of rhythm and timing to blend together a tight mix of drum samples and random hissing from the game's ample number of sounds (in all, a staggering total of nine) to create an all new experience in sound.
The result? Sonic ecstasy.
The room was electrified as Billy laid out patterns and phrases that far surpassed any that were ever or ever will be created by a professional DJ. Red, Spinner, and I could only sit back in awe of the balls-to-the-wall beats that were emanating from what we had minutes ago considered a game of little worth. I instantly regretted leaving my glowsticks at home, for Billy's inspired aural masterpiece made me feel the need to start a lightswitch rave right there and then. I was also hoping that Red would feel moved enough to bust out an impromptu rap, but this didn't occur either; though all things considered, combining Red's soulful lyrical flow with Billy's intense, genius beats would have probably been too much brilliance for everyone to process and appreciate. So, immediately after one final, well-timed sample of Pyramid II's distinctive "Heya Rudy" voice sample, Red turned the game off, leaving us all to sit there for several minutes, bewildered and yet satisfied at what we had all experienced.
Red? Talk to Billy. He MUST create another remix. Tell him to record it this time, and I'll upload it here. The people must know of his rhythmic mastery. And, like, do some rapping along to it, too. That would be awesome.
Anyway.
Billy's masterpiece had apparently caused an awakening of creative impulse in the room, because before I knew it, everything started to go nuts again.
<TheRedEye> Pyramid. With. Furniture.
And that's exactly what we did. We played Pyramid with the hotel room's furniture. Every chair, table, and stool in the room was quickly piled into one big stack that touched the ceiling. Why did we do this? I don't know. But it was pretty cool looking, I have to admit. So, with this physical masterpiece in place - erected in memory of the drum & bass masterpiece that still lingered in the room's atmosphere - we took our leave of the hotel. To do stuff.