Mmhmm.

Ugh.

Ow.

The sun's rays coming through the window are even more painful to my eyes than usual today.  My head hurts.  My stomach hurts.  And what is that horrible taste in my mouth?

Oh.  Right.

Igh.

I don't move.  Still slumped in my sleep-chair, I tilt my head slowly around the room, barely conscious of what's going on around me.  I see Red buzzing around in an agitated way...waitaminute, is this the same guy who was dangerously close to drinking himself to death last night?  Why is he so...you know, able to move, and all?

<TheRedEye> Sardius.
<Sardius> ...murgh?
<TheRedEye> The couch is free if you want to sleep there.
<Sardius> Burgh.

Slowly, I get up and make my way to the next room.  It's a slow, painful journey, but the prospect of sleeping horizontally sounded too good to pass up.  I made it to the couch, fell on it, and closed my eyes.

<Sardius> Heyyy.
<Sardius> Fraaaaank?
<TheRedEye> Yeah?
<Sardius> I'm cold.
<Sardius> Gimme a blanket.
<TheRedEye> Um, okay.

And since he's such a nice guy, he humors my half-drunken childish request and he throws a blanket on me.  What a guy.  Seriously.  What a guy.  What a pal.

<Sardius> Mmm, thank youuuuu...

And I drift off to sleep.

---

~8:30 AM

zzzhuh?  Talking?  Who's talking?  What am I?

<TheRedEye> All right guys. I'm heading off to the show now.
<TheRedEye> Checkout time is noon. Make sure you get all your stuff out of here before you turn the key in.
<TheRedEye> But just be sure it's turned in by noon.
<TheRedEye> Anyway, later.
<TheRedEye> Oh, and Sardius?
<Sardius> Mm?
<TheRedEye> I put your glasses on top of the TV cabinet. I found them dangling over the rim of the tub.
<All> Hahaha.

I wake up a little and find that Billy and Hank are still hanging around, doing things.  And stuff.

<Hank> Hey, don't go in that bathroom over there - someone puked all over it.

...uh oh.

<Sardius> Uh, yeah, that's probably mine. My puke.
<Sardius> Last night, I think I kinda missed the toilet, see...
<Hank> Nah man, I don't think it was you. Don't worry about it.
<Hank> It was probably Chantel.

...oh yeah!  That's right!  It was probably her after all.  Damn that Chantel!

Okay, so I knew better.  I distinctly remembered lying on the floor in the middle of the night and barfing all over the place.  But I'll take whatever chance I can get to transfer blame.

<Sardius> Oh...yeah, you're probably right.

Sorry, Miss Chantel.  I did a bad thing.

Anyway.

I sit up and gaze around the room, awed by the beautiful mess that the previous night's party had wrought.

Bottles are everywhere.  Tabletops are completely covered with them and most of the floor is, too.

Hmm.

I think a picture of myself is in order.  But...how?  And what should I be doing or posing with?

It doesn't take long to figure out something.  I see a mirror over there behind the bar, and...let's see, where did my most prized possession in the world go?  Ah, there it is.  Okay, look as dazed as possible and say cheese!

And there you go, another infamous picture for the collection.  And yes, I look how I feel in that picture.  You can practically hear it scream "blug."

So...yep, feeling pretty greasy and grimy here.  I head off to the shower.

...and on the way, I encounter art.

Anyway.  I shower.  I shave.  I put on a Spinal Tap t-shirt and jeans...oh YUCK there's puke all over them.  Well no problem, I packed another pair.  You can never have too many pairs of black jeans on hand, after all.

So, even though I'm dazed and have a dull pain coursing through my body, I'm at least clean now.

Oh, hello Spinner.  Glad to see you're awake.  You non-drinking bastard.

<Spinner_8> Heeeyy...good morning!
<Sardius> ...feh, yeah, morning.
<Spinner_8> How are YOU on this fine morning?
<Sardius> ...huh? Oh, bad. Kinda bad. Terrible, actually.
<Spinner_8> Well I feel grrrrrreat!

Yeah, shut up and get in the shower.  Ow, ooh, the pain...maybe some different-timezone TV will cheer me up.

...hmm, nope.  Just a bunch of infomercials on local, non-cable networks.  Fucking hotel doesn't even have cable.  That's just great.

Eventually, I settle on the local Spanish station, which was broadcasting this really bizarre cartoon.  It was something about a bunch of animals being oppressed by an evil farmer who seemed to take pleasure in poisoning the environment and committing various atrocities against his animal slaves.  Really the kind of thing I shouldn't be seeing after a night of heavy drinking, you know?  It started to fuck with my head after awhile.  Luckily, Spinner came in the room and greeted me with a well-timed "What the HELL are you watching?" which snapped me out of the pro-ecology propaganda trance that the show and its crazy moon language had captured me in.  Thanks, Spinner.

The thing was very badly animated, too.  Like, laughably so.  And yet, it was strangely alluring.

Anyway.

I think Red comes back at some point for some reason I can't remember...either that, or he never left, and I have a really bad memory.  But regardless:

<TheRedEye> Maybe we should clean up the place a little.

Yeah, I feel sorry enough for the maids as it is.  I can only imagine what kind of reaction they're going to have to that one bathroom that I...uh, decorated.

So let's ease their workload a bit.

Yeah, that makes a BIG difference.  I'm starting to feel better about myself already.  Good work, guys.

But...

<Sardius> Hey, what about FOOLS WAR?

<TheRedEye> Uh...hmm.
<TheRedEye> Well, I guess it's about time we laid FOOLS WAR to rest.
<TheRedEye> It'll stay here.
<Sardius> Yeah, it can be our present to the maids.
<Sardius> Goodbye, FOOLS WAR.

All right.  A bit of an explanation here.

Spinner and I were introduced to FOOLS WAR when Red and Billy were loading up Red's car on Friday night (when it had been parked directly in front of the hotel for hours).  When they were putting something in the trunk, they had to take something out to make room.

<TheRedEye> FOOLS WAR!
<Player_2> FOOLS WAR!

They pulled out a sign and showed it to us.  It was made out of cardboard, and it said on it - in big red letters - "FOOLS WAR: NonRd."

Of course there was a legend accompanying it.  Red filled us in on it during our first drive.

<TheRedEye> Okay, so you've heard of The Simpsons house, right?
<TheRedEye> It's this house they built here in town that was given away as a prize on Fox a few years ago.
<TheRedEye> And it was supposedly a replica of the house in the show.
<TheRedEye> Anyway.
<TheRedEye> Me, Billy, and Nick drove there one day, to check it out.
<TheRedEye> (And because it was late and we were bored and in the area.)
<TheRedEye> But like a block down from The Simpsons house, there was this road that led to nowhere.
<TheRedEye> No road signs, no lights, just a pitch-black stretch of road.
<TheRedEye> The only sign we saw - marking the beginning of the darkness - was that one.
<TheRedEye> FOOLS WAR! NON ROAD.
<TheRedEye> That's what we figured it said, anyway...though "NonRd" could have been an abbreviation for "North on road."
<TheRedEye> NON ROAD sounds more mysterious and foreboding, though.
<TheRedEye> So anyway, we stole the sign, and in doing so, we opened the gates to hell.
<TheRedEye> ...
<TheRedEye> The end.

So that's what it was.  An inexplicable makeshift road sign whose existence or meaning no one could explain.  They had kept it to this day.  But now, FOOLS WAR would find its final resting place in a Las Vegas hotel room.

...or would it?

After everyone had showered and gathered up their possessions, we were about to leave the room and check out, never to return.  Spinner and I remained after everyone had left.  We had suitcases that we needed to take back to the car.

As I opened the door to leave, though, Spinner stopped and turned around.

<Spinner_8> You know what?
<Spinner_8> I'm taking FOOLS WAR with me.
<Sardius> ...huh. Well, good. It kinda seemed like a waste to leave it here.
<Sardius> Are you sure you want to do that, though? You may be cursing yourself by removing it from here.
<Sardius> So...yeah, be warned, and stuff.

He ignored my warnings, though, and he stuffed it in the trunk of his car.  Such seems to be FOOLS WAR's lot in life - the eternal trunk ornament.  Hopefully it will bring Spinner all the good luck and chicks that it brought TheRedEye.

So.

After packing our stuff into Spinner's car, we headed off to rejoin the funstravaganza that is the Classic Gaming Expo!  First a quick detour to drop off the room key at the front desk, and then...!

...eh.

The show floor was pretty dead, compared to the day before.  Much of the show's action is reserved for the first day, apparently.  And all the good stuff that was once being offered for sale is now gone, of course, having been ravenously devoured by Saturday's legions of fat guys in shorts.  Who are now, thankfully, fewer in number.  They're still hogging the ArcadePC at all times, though.  The tubby bastards.

But hey.  This lack of population only means that we can have all the games to ourselves!  Not that it matters, though, because I'm going to be spending all my time on Cliff Hanger anyway, which no one ever plays.  Yeah, go back to licking Don Bluth's ass, you shorts-wearing fucks.  Nothing against you, of course, Mr. Bluth.  You're cool with me.  But the game based around your animation - admit it - totally sucks.

Speaking of which, I was very, very pleased to see the poor reviews that Dragon's Lair 3D got when it was released.  EGM gave it a 2 out of 10, explaining that the game might be fun if we lived in a world where no other form of entertainment existed.  Ouch.  People were drooling over the beta version of it being shown at the Expo's first day, too, which makes the game's ultimate suckiness all the better.  Just goes to show that - despite all their nonstop holier-than-thou claims - most classic gamers wouldn't know a good game if it bit them on the ass.

Damn, I forgot to mention that before now, by the way.  On the first day, after the Dragon's Lair team were finished signing autographs, they moved into an enclosed area to show off a beta version of Dragon's Lair 3D.  They used the best technology available in an attempt to make it look as good as possible - the beta was running on a developer X-Box, and the game was being displayed on a widescreen TV.  And from what I saw during the few minutes I watched some guy struggle with the controls and ram Dirk into walls repeatedly, the game managed to completely capture the feel and spirit of the original, in that it looked boring and stupid.  Nice try, Dyer, but the skewed opinions of your deluded classic gaming fanboy yesmen don't make your new game any better than the pile of shit everyone else seems to think it is.  Better luck next time.

...

Man, it feels good to rail against the all-too-deserving classic gaming community sometimes, lemme tell ya.  But anyway...crap, where were we?  Oh right, I was bitching about no one playing Cliff Hanger.  Yeah.

...soooo, in conclusion, fuck fat people.

There, that's all I had to say.

...

Let's bug TheRedEye some more.

Ah, now THIS is a great picture.  Here you can see TheRedEye cracking his knuckles in victory after finishing Time Diver: Eon Man, an unreleased NES game whose ROM was...well, it's hard to explain.  But Red put the ROM on disk, stuck it in his Dr. PC Jr., and played it all the way through, since business was so slow.  Not that there was much left that he could sell, anyway.  Just check out his table in that picture - it's decimated.  Any and all potential customers had the same conversation with Red whenever they approached him about the few Sachen games he had left.

<Customer> So what are these?
<TheRedEye> NES games made by Sachen, a Taiwan-based company.
<Customer> Ah, so they're pirates.
<TheRedEye> No, they're original games, just unlicensed.
* Customer takes a quick glance at the back of a Sachen box; a look of horror flashes across his face.
<Customer> I, uh...well, thanks anyway.

I was privileged enough to watch one of these conversations unfold right in front of my eyes.  It was neat.  I sat behind Red's table and witnessed him only stop playing Eon Man for a few seconds to deliver the "They're unlicensed" line, since it was probably just a routine formality by then.  The customer's attempt to chokingly hide his revulsion was the best part.

But anyway, Red takes the time to display several unreleased games at his booth, since there's nothing else to do.  Such games included Eon Man, Robocop vs. Terminator...and a few others I can't remember.  Maybe HeroQuest too, but I forgot.

Oh, and Drac's Night Out.

Eheh.

Okay, so Red had a cart of Drac's Night Out on display at one point - not the real proto owned by Gideon Zhi, but a worthless fake made and lent out by that prick DreamTR.  Ahem.  It had a real label obtained from...someone, though, so it at least looked kinda cool.

But anyway, when I first saw the game on display, someone else was playing it.  Someone tall.  Someone who bore an uncanny resemblance to Steven Seagal.  Huh.  I know I've seen pictures of this guy somewhere before, but...

Oh!  Oh oh!  I know who this is!  This is |tsr!  Keven Gifford!  Quick, say something!

<Sardius> OMIGAWD.................................................hi.
<Sardius> ...
* |tsr stares blankly at Sardius for almost ten full seconds.
<|tsr> Uh, hi.
<|tsr> ...
* |tsr goes back to playing Drac's Night Out.

...

Yep, another Sardius-caliber introduction.  You should expect nothing less from me by now.

Honestly, though, I tried.  It's just that I was stupid enough to vocalize my first reaction, see, and...well, it's hard to think of anything else to follow up with after you introduce yourself with OMIGAWD.  It was just nice of |tsr to say anything at all in response, I guess.  Sorry for freaking you out, man.  At least I didn't, you know, mistake you for a security guard or something.

...I did, however, point at him.

...

Yeah, I suck.  I know.

I think we exchanged a few words later on while I had my turn with Drac, so he hopefully was able to infer that I'm not a retarded psychopath, but who knows.

Anyway, moving on...ooohhhh, dear lord, my stomach.  Aaarrghhh!

<Sardius> S-spinnerrrr?
<Spinner_8> Yeah?
<Sardius> Well it's like this.
<Sardius> If we don't get some food, like, right now?
<Sardius> I'm going to DIE.
<Sardius> Seriously, DIE. I'm going to drop dead here on the show floor.
<Sardius> If we don't get food NOW.
<Spinner_8> ...okay.

Somewhere in the middle of the show's second day, I felt as if I were closer to death than I'd ever been before.  All that alcohol was starting to catch up to me.  Luckily, though, Spinner was willing to accompany me to the hotel's McDonald's.  Again.

<Spinner_8> So what's the problem, you think? Hangover?
<Sardius> I dunno, I don't think so.
<Sardius> It's just that I'm feeling kinda weak, and my stomach hurts like a motherfuck.
<Spinner_8> ...so you have a hangover.

The walk to the restaurant was murder.  What made it worse was that Spinner had to stop and look for an ATM halfway there, prolonging the pain.  When he finally found one, I took a seat on a nearby bench.

I then look behind me to see that I'm sitting directly in front of a Jack Daniels window display.

<Sardius> Nooooo...get it AWAAAAY.

But we're up and going again soon enough, even though I'm starting to feel worse with every step.  Dammit, how far away is this stupid McDonald's, anyway?

Okay, we're here.  Food.  Need now.  For living.

...

It's crowded.  Fuck.

It's crowded with undeserving, non-dying fuckheads who are directly responsible for keeping me in pain.  I take the time to direct silent hatred to each and every one of them as I stand in line.  Ooooh, the pain is just getting worse and worse here...

After approximately forever, though, I'm at the front of the line.  I once again order the 20-McNugget meal.  Maybe I'll have more luck in keeping this one down.

Since it's crowded, though, they make me wait.  Fuuuuuck.  The cashier takes down my name and says that it'll be a few minutes.  I'm not so sure I'll be alive by then, but okay, fine.  Whatfuckingever.

Spinner orders and then comes back to where I'm leaning on a rail.  And slowly dying.

<Spinner_8> Haha, check it out.
<Spinner_8> The cashier heard me wrong and he thought I told him my name was Sid.
<Spinner_8> And...yeah, I just thought it sounded cool.
<Cashier> Order for Sid!
* Spinner_8 flashes a smug grin.

Yes, he ordered after me and got his food before I did.  Truly, there is no justice in this world.

Anyway, though I wish I could properly describe what kind of prolonged, painful experience my wait was, I don't think I can.  The point is, I eventually got my food and began wolfing down McNuggets moments before my nervous system collapsed.

And it was good.

Thanks, McDonald's.  Your nonspecific chicken parts may have saved my life.  I owe you one.  Maybe sometime I can take care of that Hamburglar problem of yours, real nice and clean-like.  Just say the word, guys, and it'll be done.

Well!  Now that I'm no longer feel like I've been repeatedly stabbed in the gut, let's do stuff.  And if we have time, things.

->On to Part 16
<-Back to Articles
<-Index