Well, guess we'd better head back to Red's table.  Let's see what he's got going on.

Jeez, there's hardly any games left on the table now.  Nearly all of Red's boxed US games are gone by this point, and he's doing brisk business with several customers even as we approach him at the table.  Eventually - possibly because he wants Spinner and I to stop bugging him - he plugs his cart of Ike Ike Nekketsu Hockey Bu into his Dr. PC Jr. and lets us go to town.

(Oh yeah, I forgot to mention Red's Dr. PC Jr., didn't I?  See, it's this funky little device that functions just like a Famicom with a 60-pin cart slot on top.  The thing is, it also has a disk drive.  Meaning that you can just pretty much slap any (converted) NES rom in existence on a floppy disk and then insert it into the Dr. PC Jr. and it'll work.  So yes, it's essentially a Famicom copier.  Only no one can figure out how to make it dump games.  But still, it's totally awesome all the same.  I mean, you can play roms on a TV through genuine imitation hardware.  Rockin' stuff.)

It had been awhile since I had played the game, but I was able to soundly defeat Spinner easily.  Like, really easily.  I kind of felt sorry for him a couple of times during the game when his hapless goalie would let yet another shot slip past him.  Kind of, but not really.

Even though my beating was sound and merciless, Spinner and I still managed to enjoy ourselves.  Our competition was really heated at a couple of points, and we were both really pissed at each other throughout most of the game.  So yes, it ruled.

Whenever I get into a competitive trance, though, I start making really ridiculous faces.  Apparently TheRedEye noticed this, and in a moment of unguarded grimace, I spotted a flash from out of the corner of my eye.

Okay, now see, I look completely fuck-awful in this picture.  I even asked Red himself afterward if I look as dorky as I do in this picture in real life, and he said that he didn't think so.  I was hoping for a more definite answer, but I'll take what I can get.  Anyway, though, my face is hideously deformed in this picture, and I don't think that anyone needs to see it.  Seriously.  I mean, I look terrible in the rest of the pictures of me you're going to see soon, but this one?  Just completely disgusting.  You should thank me for sparing you the horror.

Unfortunately, the unedited version of this picture has already been widely circulated by TheRedEye himself over the last few months to anyone and everyone who stood to lose respect for me upon viewing it.  So, like, sorry guys.  I don't actually look like that, really.  Cameras just hate me, see.

(As a side note, Red's widespread distribution of this picture has less to do with any hatred for me, and more to do with Spinner's constant insistence of him not showing it to anyone.

<Smeg> "don't show that to anyone" only makes a person want to show it around more :P

So, yes, Spinner.  Thanks a lot for you making TheRedEye show everyone how fucking ugly I can be.  Thanks so much.)

(As another side note, jeez, what am I, a midget?  I'm fucking tiny and shit.)

...

Anyway.  Enough self-loathing.

What were we talking about again?  Oh yeah, my huge victory over Spinner 8.  Man, that was cool.  I think he was down by more than ten points for most of the game.  Either he really sucked, or I really ruled.  Or both.  Probably both.

So we started another game.  Spinner said that he'd win this one easily.  Right.  We get to playing, and I find that Spinner is a little more competent this time.  In fact, he even pulls ahead once.  Once.  I quickly take back the lead soon after.  But anyway, this game is really intense.  It's pretty much neck and neck for the whole match.  This is good stuff.

During the final period, as I once again take the lead and get ready to take the win...!

...some dude with long black hair strolls behind Red's table and turns off our game.

...

Just like that.  While we were in the middle of a game.  With no preamble, apology, or explanation.  Just turns it off.  Who does this jackass think he is?

He then takes out the cart and replaces it with a copy of Nintendo World Championships 1990.

...

Oh, gee.  Like I have to ask who this is.

<Spinner_8> Hey, you know who's a prick?
<Spinner_8> DreamTR.
<Sardius> Yeah!
<Sardius> Well, I dunno.
<Sardius> He's done good stuff.
<Spinner_8> ...like what?
<Sardius> Um...I dunno. Just good stuff.
<Sardius> Or so I hear.
<Spinner_8> Hah. Yeah. But see...
<Spinner_8> HE TURNED OFF OUR HOCKEY BU GAME
<Sardius> Oh yeah, that's right.
<Sardius> WHAT A FUCKING PRICK

Sorry, DreamTR.  There's no defending what you did.  And to think that you didn't even say anything about what you did, neither before nor after you did it?  That's just cold, man.  Therefore, you are a prick.

If I may be so bold, I'd like to suggest that you give all of your prototypes to someone else.  Someone who isn't a prick.  Because, like, you're a prick, see.

...

So, as we're standing there, holding our suddenly nonfunctional controllers as this prick is changing out games without saying a fucking word, Spinner and I quickly exchange "can you believe the NERVE?" glances, and contemplate what to do about the situation.  Before any violence can erupt, however, NWC is turned on and we start to play.  I go first.

And I do pretty good.  I failed miserably at the "crash at the end of Rad Racer" trick, but I don't think anyone noticed.  I blazed through Super Mario Bros., I flawlessly finished Rad Racer, and I got a bunch of lines on Tetris.  Not too shabby, I thought.

Now it's Spinner's turn.

...

And, while I don't know how exactly Spinner's mind works, I can't help but think that he completely wasted his one-time opportunity to play NWC.  For whatever reason, he spent the majority of his game time trying to get to the minus world at the end of world 1-2 in Super Mario Bros.  It took me several minutes to convince him of the futility of what he was doing, and it then took him a little longer to finally collect the 50 coins needed to move on to Rad Racer.

Five seconds into Rad Racer, his time is up.

<Spinner_8> You know, I just realized.
<Spinner_8> Here I am, one of the few people in the world who's ever been given the privilege of playing NWC.
<Spinner_8> Something I'll probably never get to do ever again for the rest of my life.
<Spinner_8> ...and I totally wasted my chance.
<Sardius> Yep, you sure did.
<Sardius> Because you're just awesome like that.

...

<Spinner_8> by the way, that little speech of mine about me playing nwc
<Spinner_8> you said ALL of that
<Sardius> I did? Well damn.
<Spinner_8> I was like "man that was cool"
<Spinner_8> and you were like "YOU BLWE YTOU CHANGECE!@%^@!#^
<Sardius> You never do or say anything. I have to at least kind of show that you're alive, you know.
<Sardius> Hahaha
<Spinner_8> and I was like "heh"
<Sardius> Ass.

More people eventually line up to play, but I soon get disgusted with the prickery on display.  I wander off to play more Cliff Hanger.

A few credits in, I hear some music start to make its way over the rest of the show's noise.  Hey, this stuff sounds kinda familiar.  I know I've heard this before.  And it's badass.

Wait, now I know where I've heard this before!  Holy shit, are they playing live?  Here?  Well I'd better just abandon my game and run over to the other side of the show, like, immediately.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MINIBOSSES!

Yes, they totally rocked.  I made my way through a pretty huge crowd to take those pictures, by the way, and they still turned out pretty crappy.  Oh well.

Anyway, yeah, The Minibosses rocked the face off of every fat guy in shorts on the show floor.  They started off with an awesome Megaman 2 medley

<Spinner_8> Eh, it was all right, I guess.

and then they moved onto some Castlevania stuff and then Metroid and then...oh man, it was fucking great.  And I was right there in front, getting my eardrums blasted by every riff.  Yes.  Just...yes.  I saw The Minibosses live, motherfucker.  And I was just fucking giddy as fuck by the time they finished.  Truly incredible stuff, people.

After their set was over, people started lining up to buy Minibosses CDs.  I figured it was about time I got one, so I met up with Spinner in the line and began the long wait.

Spinner and I yak for awhile, but then as we're getting close to the front of the line, a voice booms over the show floor.  An announcement, I guess.  I was only halfway paying attention to it until a certain specific name was mentioned.

<Announcer> Heya, CG Expo folks, just a quick announcement here.
<Announcer> The original Dragon's Lair team - that's Don Bluth, blahblahblah and Rick Dyer - will be meeting with show attendees and signing autographs at the Dragon's Lair 3D booth for the next fifteen minutes.

<Sardius> HEY HUH WHAGUHO?
<Spinner_8> Okay, you know what you must do.
<Spinner_8> Give me the money, and I'll buy your CD for you.
<Spinner_8> Go on. This is your lifelong dream, man.
<Sardius> (genuinely) THANK you.

I handed Spinner the ten bucks then ran off.  To have a date with destiny.

First, I jogged back to Red's table and reached around the back, where I had stashed a copy of the DVD release of Time Traveler.

(I was well prepared for this moment, you see.)

And with shitty FMV game in hand, I headed off to the table where Rick Dyer - the MAN himself - was signing autographs.  Ohhhh boy.  What should I do?  What should I say?  I had many questions and doubts in mind as I waited in the long line in front of the table.

It didn't take long before I caught a glimpse of Mr. Dyer himself.  Ohgodohgodohgod...

Okay, calmness, man.  Just because he's your personal hero/archenemy doesn't mean that you should lose control of all your mental and bodily functions.  Keep breathing.  Yes, we'll get through this.

...OHMANI'MGOINGTOMEETRICKFUCKINGDYERHOLYSHITAAAAAAHHHHH!

Right.  Fine.  Let's contain ourselves.

Soon, I'm at the front of line.  Don Bluth greets me.

<Don_Bluth> Heya man, how's it going?
* Sardius is stealing sideways glances at Rick Dyer
<Sardius> ...huh? Oh, yeah, fine. Yeah.
* Sardius continues to angrily glare at Rick Dyer
<Don_Bluth> Okay, who should I make this out to?

Hmm?  Oh, it looks like the entire group is signing promotional flyers for Dragon's Lair 3D.  Cool, I guess.

<Sardius> Um, Danny.
<Don_Bluth> ...oookay, there ya go, Danny.
* Don_Bluth manages a cheerful grin
<Sardius> (as interested and non-distractedly as possible) ...oh, hey, thanks a lot!

...

Okay, yeah.  I admit that this was pretty assholish of me here.  Here's a genuine celebrity and maker of some truly great animated films - Don Bluth - and I all but completely blow him off simply because the creator of the FMV game genre is sitting a couple of chairs away.  Not only does this sort of selective attention not make any sense at all, it's also really rude.  Sorry, Mr. Bluth.  You're a really cool guy and all, but I'd have been more enthusiastic if you weren't sharing a booth with Satan himself.

So I slide over to the next guy in the booth - whose name I can't remember - and he wordlessly signs the flyer and gives me a pitied look.  Yeah, whatever.  I don't care, because the next person who gets to sign my flyer is

RICK

FUCKING

DYER

...

Dyer looks up at me.  I stare back, with fear and anger in my eyes.

Before I know it, I'm leaving the booth with this in my hands:

I swear, I have no recollection of the events that led up to my obtaining his autograph.  I can only assume that our meeting went well, which is good I guess, because it probably wouldn't have been in my best interests if I had suddenly leaped over the table and started beating the fuck out of Rick Dyer, as I had entertained fantasies of shortly before meeting him.  At least, I don't think anything like that happened...I suppose I have no evidence to support the fact that we didn't get into a bloody brawl, so who knows.  But somehow - however it happened - Rick Dyer signed my flyer, then he signed my copy of Time Traveler.  I don't remember him saying much of anything, though I do remember him smirking slightly when he saw that I was holding a copy of Time Traveler, then giving me a half-disgusted look after he signed it and handed it back.

Thank you, Mr. Dyer.  You've made a little boy's dreams come true.

Anyway, after some other guy who may have been important to the development of Dragon's Lair but who cares signed my flyer, I skipped away from the table, merry as all fuck.

Oh, yeah, the flyer:

Aw yeeeah.  Rick Dyer's signature is the one in the middle, right next to the eyeball that's staring at Dirk's ass.  And Don Bluth's is the one directly below that...I think.  And there's some other signatures on there too I guess...but look, it's Rick Dyer's autograph, man!  Dude!

As I stumbled away from Dyer and company, though, I realize that I forgot to ask them for a group picture.  Fuck!  Well, maybe I can sneak one in now from a few feet away...

...or maybe I could just, you know, take a quick picture of Rick Dyer while he's not looking.  Whatever.  Notice how he's a lot more cheerful when he's talking to a girl.  Hmph.  Bastard.  I'll get you next time, Dyer!

I then quickly run to the back of the show and shove my newly-signed copy of Time Traveler in Red's face.

<Sardius> CHECK THIS SHIT OUT
<Sardius> HE SIGNED IT, MAN! HE SIIIIIIGNED IIIIITTTTT!
<TheRedEye> Oh. Wow.
<Sardius> SPINNER! LOOK!
<Spinner_8> ...oh. My. God. You actually did it.
<Sardius> YESSSSSSSS
<TheRedEye> What'd you say to him?
<TheRedEye> "Got a preference, partner?"
<Sardius> No, but...well, I don't remember exactly WHAT I said to him, come to think of it...
<Sardius> BUT LOOK AT HIS AUTOGRAPH!
<Sardius> EEEEEEEEEE!

I think Red and Spinner lost all their respect for me at this point.  But fuck, I don't care.  Just look at that crazy shit - a signed copy of Time Traveler!  Best thing ever, or what?

C'mon, just humor me here.

Okay, so anyway, with more customers lining up to look at Red's wares, I decide that now would be a good time to explore the show's many purchaseables.

I head over to the Digital Press booth first and quickly snap up a copy of their guide.  I think that by buying this, I also obtained the right to steal and use their CGE pictures on my site here.  But insane rationalizations aside, I really like the guide.  It's fucking huge, for one thing (over 500 pages), and it makes for great bathroom reading.  Nothing quite beats reading miscellaneous facts about Sachen games while you're taking a dump, let me tell you.

It's interesting to note that this book represents TheRedEye's first published work - he's credited as a contributor for several things in the NES section, including, yes, information about all the Sachen stuff.  He's also the only contributor out of the book's dozens to get a URL plug next to his name, too.  Way to go, bud.

The book is too heavy for me to carry with me everywhere, though, so I leave it back at Red's table.  I assume he doesn't mind.  Or maybe he thought I was being a complete asshole.  Who knows.

Anyway.

Me and Spinner spend the next hour or so looking through the show's overpriced games and playing Cliff Hanger.  That's it.  Nothing else.

Oh, and I bought a limited edition copy of the Retrogaming Radio CD.

I still don't know why I bought this.  Maybe it was just the allure of having the ultra-rare, one-of-a-kind autographed #1 copy of something that was too much for me to resist.  Because I'm all into that.  If I ever have the chance to get a limited edition, serial-numbered copy of something, I'm all over it.  Especially if I'm buying the very first one.

On a related note, fuck limited edition comics and trading cards.

(Note: After listening to one of this guy's recent radio shows, I'm even more sorry that I spent money on that stupid CD set.  He's an idiot, you see.  Sooo...anyone want to buy the set off of me?  It's signed and numbered!  RARE!  L@@K!)

Anyway, after awhile, having had my fill of pretty much everything else the show had to offer, I head back to Red's table.  Again.

<TheRedEye> Hey Sardius.
* TheRedEye fans out a huge wad of cash.
<TheRedEye> Bling BLING!
<Sardius> ...
<Sardius> Dude, holy shit.

Holy shit, indeed.  His boxed games that were once piled on the table are now...well, GONE.  He sold fucking all of them.  Seriously, all of them.

<TheRedEye> Oh yes, this is going to be one hell of a party tonight...

Can't wait, man.  Can't wait.

Red's a great businessman when he wants to be.  He pretty much had the monopoly on NES stuff at the show, since few other booths dealt with the system.  And he definitely had the lowest prices out of everyone there, so he was able to sell his stuff pretty quickly.

By this time, the show floor started thinning out, and fewer and fewer people were stopping by Red's table to look at what little stock he had left.  So with an hour or so to kill before the show closed, Red started to get bored.  I suggested that he try to get my Teletubbies cart to work, and he accepted the challenge.

Ripping apart the cartridge and taking the 60-pin board out of its converter, Red inserted it into his Dr. PC Jr.  And after turning it on...it didn't work.

However, after a few tries, he eventually got it to work, and I was able to play Teletubbies (and more!) for the very first time.  Thank you, Red.  As it turns out, the game is actually a multicart. However, the multi seems to contain nothing but games that have been graphically hacked.  There was a version of Mario Bros. with Teletubbies sprites, and Binary Land with Doraemon characters.  Very cool, I thought.

The game was very flaky, though, and it didn't take long for us to get tired of trying to get it to work after every reset.  So we gave up on it.  Red was itching for some action soon after, though.

<TheRedEye> ...hey.
<TheRedEye> Watch my table for a second, all right?
<Sardius> Sure.

So with great relish, I took a seat behind Red's table.  As Spinner pointed out, for a brief moment, I was TheRedEye.  Yes.  This is the stuff dreams are made of.  Good thing no one came around asking to buy games, or the illusion would have been shattered by my ignorance.

A few minutes later, Red came back from the next table over with a video tape in hand.  He popped it into his VCR.

<TheRedEye> This is actually my mom's TV and VCR.
<TheRedEye> I didn't have one I could use for the show, so at the last minute, I just took hers without telling her.
<TheRedEye> I guess she won't mind.

And then he pressed play.  The tape in question was a collection of old cartoons that had been banned from being shown on TV because of the presence of racist stereotypes and other such stuff.

And what did our hero TheRedEye do?  Right in the middle of the classic gaming expo, obviously sick and tired of selling games to people all day, he sits down in a chair with his back to the show and starts watching cartoons.

Fucking for real.  And yes, that picture is the most awesome thing ever.  There's Red in his pinstripe suit.  Ignoring his stacks of unsold Sachen games and shunning any potential customers.  Just sitting there and grinning at cartoons.

He did this for pretty much the rest of the show.  And I sat on the floor next to him and did the same thing.  So there we were, at the world's biggest classic gaming convention, ignoring everything around us and laughing at old racist cartoons instead of buying stuff, talking to gaming celebrities, or playing games.

Fucking.  Fresh.

Hell, I'd rather watch cartoons with TheRedEye than do...well, pretty much anything that the rest of the show had to offer.  Fuck your old games, you fat shorts-wearing fucks.  Red's booth is where it's at.

Red can tell that I'm dying to try out that dance mat Famicom clone on the floor next to his booth (see the picture above), though, and he promises that I'll get the chance to do it tomorrow, once he can find batteries for it.  Neat.  But for now, I'm happy enough just watching these badass old cartoons.

...

My moment of bliss is interrupted as Spinner approaches.

<Spinner_8> Ah, there you are.
<Spinner_8> C'mon over here, I need you for a second.
<Sardius> All right, fine. Whatcha need?

He dragged me over to a booth to ask for my expert, refined opinion on a certain item that was being offered for sale.  An NES top-loader, to be precise.

<Sardius> Well, of course you want one of these...
<Sardius> But how much?
<Booth_dude> One fifteen.
<Sardius> Hwargh!

Spinner really wanted this thing, though.

<Spinner_8> That is a little much, yeah.
<Spinner_8> But still...hm.
<Booth_dude> Well, if you pay with cash, I'll knock it down to one ten.
<Sardius> Wellll...these things are rare. And they're awesome, of course.
<Sardius> But don't forget, I got mine for thirty-five a year or so ago.
<Spinner_8> Really?
<Sardius> Yep.
<Booth_dude> Mmm, you probably got a lucky deal at a thrift store or something, because on eBay...
<Sardius> Actually, this was on eBay. It was a mistitled auction, so I got it for cheap.
<Sardius> So low-priced top-loaders are rare, but they're out there.
<Sardius> It's really up to you if you want to try and find a good deal or just get this one here though, man.
<Booth_dude> ...
<Booth_dude> Okay. One hundred even - no tax - and I'll include the box and a controller.
<Spinner_8> All right then.

So within minutes, thanks in part to my bargaining/rambling skills, Spinner 8 joined the elite ranks of...um, top-loader owning people.  Be proud of him.  Sure, the people playing Bubble Bobble on the thing were kind of nonplussed when the booth guy had to kick them off of it after the transaction was completed, but what can you do.  Spinner buddy, I'm happy for you.

So as he walked away from the table cradling his precious, tiny piece of 8-bit hardware, Spinner reflected on his purchase.

<Spinner_8> ...wait a minute, why did I buy that?

Ah, random-stuff-buying hypnosis.  Good to see I'm not the only one to suffer from it.

<Sardius> Dude!  Come on!
<Sardius> Top-loader.
<Sardius> You. Own. A top-loader.
<Sardius> Some people spend their entire lives searching after one of those!
<Sardius> Lusting after - pining for! - the coolest NES...thing ever made!
<Sardius> But now, you, Spinner 8, have one.
<Sardius> So don't feel bad. You did good in picking that up, man.
<Spinner_8> Really? You think so?
<Sardius> Well, no. That price was pretty damned ridiculous.
<Sardius> But, like, top-loader!
<Spinner_8> ...
<Sardius> ...yeah!

So, as 5:00 PM approaches, the show starts to wind down.  Spinner and I meet Red back at his table, where he's starting to pack his stuff up.

An idea hits me right then.

<Sardius> Hey Red, like, can I get a picture with you?
<Sardius> I know it's silly, but I kinda want at least one...you know...
<TheRedEye> Aww. Sure. No problem.
* Sardius hands a camera to Spinner
<TheRedEye> Just stand back here behind the table...and, um...
* TheRedEye grasps a nearby Famicom cart.
<TheRedEye> Okay, see, I don't like posing for pictures, so let's just pretend we're discussing this game.
<Sardius> Oh, you mean that one right there?
* Sardius points.
<TheRedEye> That's right, this one.
<Sardius> I see! So what is that, anyway?
<TheRedEye> Oh, see, this is what you call a Famicom cart.
<TheRedEye> It plays on Famicom systems.
<Sardius> Fascinating!
<TheRedEye> Yeah, fucking incredible, isn't it?
<Spinner_8> ...so should I take the picture now, or what?
<Sardius> YES, DAMMIT

Okay, good.  I'm glad that's done with.

(...I got to be in a picture with TheRedEye!  Eeeeeee!)

So anyway.  Red heads off with some of his games to a post-show auction, and Spinner and I head back to the hotel room, with purchased video game-related stuffs in tow.

On the way, we shared an elevator with a pair of retarded old people, doubtlessly in town for one final futile effort to give their lives meaning while simultaneously squandering away whatever little money their offspring could have potentially inherited from their otherwise-worthless hides.

Maybe I shouldn't write when I'm in a bad mood.

<Old_fuckhead> Ooh, you guys got lotsa stuff.
<Old_bitch> (reading Spinner's shirt) ...mystery science...theatre?
<Old_fuckhead> Heh heh, must be one o' them Star Wars conventions here in the hotel.
* Elevator stops and couple steps out, chuckling to each other.
<Spinner_8> *sigh*
<Sardius> God, I hate it when people read your shirts like that. Can't stand that shit.

And a few floors later, we were joined by a British guy who marveled at my armful of stuff.

<Guy> Oi, I didn't know that they made a Teletubbies game for the Nintendo!
<Sardius> Oh, they didn't. See, this is just a multicart slapped into a NES cart and converter.
<Guy> Ah, I see. Interesting.
<Guy> Oh, you have Time Traveler. I have it too. That's a good program.
<Sardius> ...

I didn't quite know what to say to that.  And yes, he really called it a program.  Fortunately, the elevator opened and he stepped off before I got the urge to launch into an angry rant against FMV games and Rick Dyer.  Lucky for him, I guess.

Eventually, we get back to the hotel room.  And so begins the wait for TheRedEye to get back from the auction.

It takes awhile.  A long while.

As Red pointed out later, we could've came with him to watch the auction, but I...uh, just wanted to let him have all the fun.  Or something.  Honestly, though, I was kinda tiring of the whole expo thing, so I didn't want to hang around the crowd for much longer.

So.

Spinner and I then proceed to kick back and rest at our undeserved accommodations.  I lay down on the couch and start looking through the NES prototypes section of my new Digital Press guide.  Spinner starts messing with the hotel room TV and soon gets the urge to try out his top-loader.  Can't blame him.  Knock yerself out, kid.

Luckily, Red had left a pile of random NES stuff on a desk before he left that morning.  How considerate!

* Spinner_8 rummages through Red's games.
<Spinner_8> Hmm. Now what should be the first game I play on my new top-loader...
<Spinner_8> Ah, here we go.
<Spinner_8> "Wally Bear and the No! Gang"
<Spinner_8> Huh. Well, should be just as good as any game, I guess.
<Sardius> ...whoa hey, wait. Do you even know what...

I stopped in mid-sentence.  I realized that it was impossible to argue with Spinner 8 logic.  This was the man who had only hours ago completely fucked up his once-in-a-lifetime shot at playing NWC.  I'm not going to try to dissuade him from whatever other brands of fuckitude he has planned.  If he wants to christen his new rare piece of hardware with a shitty unlicensed anti-drug game, so be it.
 

Three minutes later...

<Spinner_8> ...okay, so this sucks. A lot.

Well gee.  Who would've guessed.  I resume reading my guide, growing less interested in Spinner's antics by the minute.

<Spinner_8> Next game!
<Spinner_8> Hrm.
<Spinner_8> Ooh! Princess Tomato!
<Sardius> Aw come on now, you're just really...eh, fuckit.

Argh.

Look, say what you will, I can't stand Princess Tomato.  Something about it just turns me off completely, and I've never played it for more than five minutes at a time before becoming totally disinterested in it.  I've been meaning to give it a serious play one of these days, but that day hasn't yet arrived, so yeah.  Fuck Princess Tomato and her Salad Kingdom.

(note: I have since given it an hour's worth of play or so for the sake of breaking up all this monotonous text with some pretty screenshots.  My new opinion - it sucks, but it's not so bad that I won't finish playing through it.  I guess.  Now if only I could figure out how to sneak out of that prison...)

And as much as I hate Princess Tomato, it's even worse when you have to watch someone else play it.  Talk about the most boring, stupid, and eventually enraging experiences you can possibly...aaaargh!

<Sardius> Will you please turn that FUCKING music off already?
<Spinner_8> No way man.
<Sardius> ...
* Sardius seethes.

And he played it for hours.  Yes, hours.  Meaning, more than a minute or two.  More than even a single hour, even.  Hours.  Hours and hours of loud, repetitive, bouncy music drilling itself into my head.  Sure, I attempted to ignore it and concentrate as much as I could on my reading, but after awhile, the game began to draw my attention more and more until I was forced to put down my book and watch Spinner play the thing.  I even started to discuss it with him.  Damn it all.

<Spinner_8> Argh, I'm stuck.
<Spinner_8> What do I do now?
<Sardius> Hit something.
<Sardius> See that guy over there? Punch him. In the face, if the game'll let you.
<Spinner_8> Fine.
<Spinner_8> Oh, there, see? He's mad at me now. Look what you did.
<Sardius> Good.  Now go hit that other guy and see what he says.
 

Violence was pretty much the only solution I could offer throughout the entire quest, actually.

Thankfully, Red arrives as dusk approaches.  I give him a pitiful look from the couch, silently begging for him to save me from the cutesy vegetable hell that Spinner had confined me in.  I get no such reprieve.

<TheRedEye> Heeey, Princess Tomato!
<TheRedEye> Waitwait, let me ask you...did you ever, like, rent or borrow this game as a kid or anything?
<Spinner_8> Um...no.
<TheRedEye> ...oh.
<TheRedEye> See, I have this theory.
<TheRedEye> That if you ever played Princess Tomato as a kid, you're going to grow up and love it, and no one who hasn't played it would really completely understand why it's such a great game.
<Sardius> Well, so much for that theory.
<Sardius> Please make him turn that shit off, by the way. Please?

But since everybody hates me, the game stays on, and Spinner plays even more Princess Tomato.  Wonderful.  Just wonderful.  Quick, someone get me liquored up already.  I can't take much more of this.  Not while sober, anyway.

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